Sex, God And Marriage

2007-11-14T04:40:00.000-08:00

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Introduction
Everywhere today, people are searching for lasting and
meaningful relationships. The myth of romance continues
to be taken for granted by millions, and a new generation of
young men and women has accepted the belief that sexual
freedom is the key to fulfillment. But as desperately as
people want to believe in the sexual revolution of the last
few decades, it is clear to many of them that something has
gone terribly wrong. Instead of bringing freedom, the sexual
revolution has left countless wounded and isolated souls. As
we face the great anguish around us, it is more important than
ever for all of us, young and old, to consider the direction of
our lives and ask ourselves where we are headed.
The twenty-first century heralds the loss of the clear
teachings of the Old and New Testaments on marriage and
the relationship of the sexes. We have turned against God and
rebelled against his order of creation, and we have justified
our rebellion with human arguments. We have ignored the
words of Jesus and scorned the voice of the Spirit. But we
have found neither freedom nor fulfillment.
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Sex, God & Marriage Introduction
As a pastor I have counseled many people over the years,
both single and married. For many of them, the sexual sphere
is not an area of joy but one of frustration, confusion, and
even despair. People look for unity of heart and soul with
one another, but they are so blinded by the notion of romantic
love that their deepest longings remain obscured. They know
that marriage and sexual union is a gift from God; that it
should be the most intimate and rewarding relationship a
man and a woman can share. But they wonder why it has
become the source of such loneliness and pain for them and
for so many others.
I am no social scientist. But if the findings of recent studies
have made anything clear it is this: the fallout caused by our
culture’s acceptance of casual sex is socially devastating.
More than half of all marriages in the United States fail.
Almost forty percent of America’s children live in different
houses than their biological fathers. Poverty, violent crime,
delinquency, promiscuity, alcohol and drug abuse, mental
illness, and suicide are all rooted in the breakdown of the
family and the erosion of the marriage bond.
At the same time, those who save sexual activity until
marriage (though their numbers are dwindling) are far less
likely to have an affair or divorce, and those who commit
themselves to one lifelong partner lead happier lives.1
While current trends point to continuing decay, there are
encouraging signs that people are beginning to call into
question the thrills of cheap sex and the seeming ease of
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Sex, God & Marriage Introduction
uncommitted love. This is especially true among “GenXers.”
There is an increased yearning among young people to find
genuine relationships and to build secure homes, giving
renewed hope that a two-parent family is still possible.
Again and again I have seen that when people are willing
to surrender their lives to Jesus, they are able to find a way
out of their unhappiness. Once people have the courage and
humility to face his call to repentance, he can bring them
lasting freedom and happiness.
Jesus brings true revolution. He is the original source
of love, because he is Love itself. His teaching is neither
a matter of prudishness nor of permissiveness: he offers
his followers an entirely different way. He brings a purity
that liberates us from sin and leads to the possibility of a
completely new life.
There is very little in today’s culture that nurtures or
protects the new life that Jesus wants to give us. People talk
incessantly about the importance of committed marriages
and wholesome family life, but how many of us are willing
to take action to make these values a concrete reality?
Many of us are tempted to blame society for the influences
that corrupt us. But what about us so-called Christians?
How many of us are ready to unplug the television set and
take a hard look at our own marriages and relationships
and our personal lives? How many of us actually support
the brothers and sisters around us in the daily struggle for
purity? How many of us stick out our necks to confront
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Sex, God & Marriage Introduction
the sin in each other’s lives? How many of us are really
accountable?
There is tremendous pain among those who claim to
be followers of Christ: broken families, battered wives,
neglected and abused children, and sinful relationships. Yet
instead of an outcry, there is indifference. When will we
wake up and realize that our apathy is destroying us?
More than ever, we need to come back to an understanding
of the church as a living body of committed members who
share life in practical deeds of love. But we must start with
ourselves first and then see where we can encourage those
around us. We need to know our youth well enough to be
able to guide them as they seek relationships and lifetime
commitments; we need to provide ongoing support for the
marriages around us; we need to work for healing when our
brothers or sisters stumble or fall – and accept their help
when we ourselves have fallen.
Most of all, we must show the world that the unique
teachings of Jesus and his apostles are the only answer
to the spirit of our time. That is why I have put together
this little book. I am neither a biblical scholar nor a
professional therapist, and I am fully aware that most
of what I have written is completely contrary to popular
wisdom. But I do feel the urgent need to share my certainty that
Jesus’ call to a life of love, purity, honesty, and commitment
is our only hope.
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Sex, God & Marriage Introduction
This is not only a personal book – it comes out of the life
of the church community I serve, and everything in it reflects
the concerns and experiences of its members. My hope is
that all of us – all men and women of our time – might stop
to reconsider God’s purpose for sex and marriage.
Sadly, too many people today have simply given up on the
possibility of a pure life. They have bought into the myth of
sexual “liberation” and tried to live with its disappointments,
and when their relationships fall apart, they explain
away
their failures. They fail to see what a tremendous gift purity
is.
All the same, I believe that deep in every heart there is
a yearning for unclouded relationships and for a love that
lasts. It takes courage and self-discipline to really live a
different way, but it is possible. Wherever there is a faithful
church – a community of people who are committed to living
in genuine and honest relationships – there is help and hope
for every person and every marriage. May this book give
each reader that faith.
J.C.A
In The
Beginning
Sex, God & Marriage In the Image of God
In the Image of God
God said, “Let us make man in our image and
likeness to rule the fish in the sea, the birds of
heaven, the cattle, all wild animals on earth,
and all reptiles that crawl upon the earth.”
So God created man in his own image; in the
image of God he created him, male and female.
God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful
and increase; fill the earth and subdue it.”
Genesis 1:26–28
In the opening chapter of the story of creation we read
that God created humankind – both male and female –in his
own image, and that he blessed them and commanded them
to be fruitful and to care for the earth. Right from the start,
God shows himself as the creator who “saw all that he had
made, and it was very good.” Here, right at the beginning
of the Bible, God reveals his heart to us. Here we discover
God’s plan for our lives.
Sex, God & Marriage In the Image of God
Many, if not most, twentieth-century Christians dismiss
the story of creation as a myth. Others insist that only the
strictest, most literal interpretation of Genesis is valid. I
simply have reverence for the word of the Bible as it stands.
On the one hand, I would not think of arguing away anything
in it; on the other, I believe scientists are right in cautioning
that the biblical account of creation should not be taken
too literally. As Peter says, “With the Lord, a day is like a
thousand years, and a thousand years like one day” (2 Pet.
3:8).
God’s image sets us apart.
Exactly how human beings were created remains a mystery
for the creator alone to unveil. Yet I am sure of one thing:
no person can find meaning or purpose without God. Rather
than dismiss the creation story simply because we do not
understand it, we need to find its inner, true meaning and
rediscover its significance for us today.
In our depraved age, reverence for God’s plan as described
in Genesis has been almost completely lost. We do not
treasure the meaning of creation enough – the significance of
both man and woman as creatures formed in the image and
likeness of God. This likeness sets us apart in a special way
from the rest of creation and makes each human life sacred
(Gen. 9:6). To view life in any other way – for instance, to
Sex, God & Marriage In the Image of God
view others only in the light of their usefulness, and not as
God sees them – is to disregard their worth and dignity.
What does creation “in God’s image” mean? It means that
we are to be a living picture of who God is. It means that
we are to be co-workers who further his work of creating
and nurturing life. It means that we belong to him, and that
our being, our very existence, should always remain related
to him and bound to his authority. The moment we separate
ourselves from God we lose sight of our purpose here on
earth.
In Genesis we read that we have the living spirit of God:
“The Lord God formed man from the dust of the ground and
breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and man became
a living being” (Gen. 2:7). In giving us his spirit, God made
us responsible beings who possess the freedom to think and
act, and to do so in love.
But even if we possess a living spirit, we remain only
images of the creator. And when we look at creation in a
God-centered, not human-centered, way we will understand
our true place in his divine order of things. The person who
denies that God is his origin, who denies that God is a living
reality in his life, will soon be lost in a terrible emptiness.
Ultimately, he will find himself trapped in the self-idolatry
that brings with it self-contempt and a contempt for the worth
of others.
Sex, God & Marriage In the Image of God
All of us long for what is
imperishable.
What would we be if God had not breathed his breath into us?
Darwin’s whole theory of evolution, by itself, is dangerous
and futile because it is not God-centered. Something inside
each of us cries out against the idea that we have been hatched
by a purposeless universe. Deep within the human spirit is a
thirst for what is lasting and imperishable.
Since we are made in God’s image, and God is eternal, we
cannot, at the end of life, merely vanish again like smoke.
Our life is rooted in eternity. Christoph Blumhardt writes,
“Our lives bear the mark of eternity, of the eternal God
who created us to be his image. He does not want us to be
swallowed up in the transitory, but calls us to himself, to
what is eternal.”2
God has set eternity in our hearts, and deep within each
of us is a longing for eternity. When we deny this and live
only for the present, everything that happens to us in life will
remain cloaked in tormenting riddles, and we will remain
deeply dissatisfied. This is especially true in the sexual area.
Casual sex desecrates the soul’s yearning and capacity for
that which is eternal. No person, no human arrangement, can
ever fill the longing of our souls.
The voice of eternity speaks most directly to our
conscience. Therefore the conscience is perhaps the deepest
element within us. It warns, rouses, and commands us in our
Sex, God & Marriage In the Image of God
God-given task (Rom. 2:14–16). And every time the soul is
wounded, our conscience makes us painfully aware of it. If
we listen to our conscience, it can guide us. When we are
separated from God, however, our conscience will waver
and go astray. This is true not only for an individual, but also
for a marriage.
Already in Genesis, chapter 2, we read about the
importance of marriage. When God created Adam, he said that
everything he had made was good. Then he created woman
to be a helpmate and partner to man, because he saw that it
was not good for man to be alone. This is a deep mystery:
man and woman – the masculine and the feminine – belong
together as a picture of who God is, and both can be found
in him. Together they become what neither would be apart
and alone.
Everything created by God gives us an insight into his
nature – mighty mountains, immense oceans, rivers, and
great expanses of water; storms, thunder and lightning,
huge icebergs; meadows, flowers, trees, and ferns. There is
power, harshness, and manliness, but there is also gentleness,
motherliness, and sensitivity. And just as the various forms of
life in nature do not exist without each other, God’s children,
too, male and female, do not exist alone. They are different,
but they are both made in God’s image, and they need each
other to fulfill their true destinies.
Sex, God & Marriage In the Image of God
When God’s image is defaced, life’s
relationships lose purpose.
It is a tragedy that in much of today’s society the differences
between man and woman are blurred and distorted. The
pure, natural image of God is being destroyed. There is
endless talk about women’s equality, but in practice women
are abused and exploited more than ever before. In films, on
television, in magazines, and on billboards the ideal woman
(and increasingly, the ideal man) is portrayed as a mere sex
object.
Generally speaking, marriages in our society are no longer
regarded as sacred. Increasingly they are seen as experiments
or as contracts between two people who meas- ure everything
in terms of their own interests. When marriages fail, there is
almost always the option of no-fault divorce, and after that
a new attempt at marriage with a new partner. Many people
no longer even bother to make promises of faithfulness; they
just live together. Women who bear and raise children or stay
married to the same husband are sometimes scorned. And
even when their marriage is a healthy one, they are often
seen as victims of oppression who need to be “rescued” from
male domination.
Children are often no longer treasured. In Genesis,
God commanded, “Be fruitful and increase.” Today we
avoid the “burden” of unwanted offspring by means of
legalized abortion. Children are viewed as a bother; they are
Sex, God & Marriage In the Image of God
too expensive to be brought into the world, to be raised, to
be given a college education. They are an economic strain
on our materialistic lives. They are even too time-consuming
to love.
Is it any wonder that so many in our time have lost hope?
That so many have given up on the possibility of enduring
love? Life has lost its value; it has become cheap; most
people no longer see it as a gift from God. Advances in
biomedical engineering and in fetus screening techniques
enable growing numbers of couples to choose an abortion
for selfish reasons. Without God, life is absurd, and there is
only darkness and the deep wound of separation from him.
Despite the efforts of many dedicated individuals, the
church today has failed miserably in grappling with this
situation. All the more, each of us must go back to the
beginning and ask ourselves once again, “Why did God
create man and woman in the first place?” God created every
person in his image, and he has set a specific task for every
man, woman, and child on this earth, a task he expects us to
fulfill. No one can disregard God’s purpose for his creation
or for himself without suffering deep inner need (Ps. 7:14–
16).
The materialism of our time has emptied life of moral
and spiritual purpose. It hinders us from seeing the world
with awe and wonder, and it hinders us from seeing our
true task. The sickness of soul and spirit brought about by
consumerism has eaten so deeply into our conscience that it
Sex, God & Marriage In the Image of God
is no longer able to mirror good and evil clearly. Yet there is
still a deep-seated need in each of us that makes us long for
goodness.
We will find healing only if we believe firmly that God
created us and that he is the giver of life, love, and mercy.
As we read in the third chapter of the Gospel of John, “God
so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whoever
believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For
God sent his son into the world, not to condemn the world,
but that the world might be saved through him.”
In God’s son – in Jesus – the creator’s image appears with
utmost clarity and finality (Col. 1:15). As the perfect image
of God, and as the only way to the Father, he brings us life
and unity, joy and fulfillment. Only when our life is lived
in him can we experience his truth and goodness, and only
in him can we find our true destiny. This destiny is to be
God’s image; to rule over the earth in his spirit, which is the
creative, life-giving spirit of love.
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Sex, God & Marriage It Is Not Good for Man to Be Alone
It Is Not Good for
Man to Be Alone
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the
man to be alone. I will provide a partner for
him…” So the Lord God caused the man to fall
into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping,
he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up
the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made
a woman from the rib he had taken out of the
man, and he brought her to the man. Then
the man said, “Now this at last is bone of my
bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called
‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.”
Genesis 2:18, 21–23
There is little that is so difficult for a person to bear as
loneliness. Prisoners held in solitary confinement have told
of rejoicing to see even a spider – at least it is something
alive. God created us to be communal beings. Yet our
modern world is frighteningly devoid of relationships. In
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Sex, God & Marriage It Is Not Good for Man to Be Alone
many areas of life, technological progress has resulted in the
deterioration of community. Increasingly, technology has
made people seem unnecessary.
As the elderly are placed into retirement communities or
personal-care homes, as factory workers are replaced by hitech
robotics, as young men and women search year after year
for meaningful work, they fall into despair and hopelessness.
Some depend on the help of therapists or psychologists, and
others seek avenues of escape such as alcoholism, drugs,
and suicide. Cut off from God and each other, thousands of
people lead lives of quiet desperation.
To live in isolation from others kills this unity and leads to
despair. Thomas Merton writes:
Despair is the absolute extreme of self-love. It is reached when
a man deliberately turns his back on all help from anyone else
in order to taste the rotten luxury of knowing himself to be
lost…
Despair is the ultimate development of a pride so great and
so stiff-necked that it selects the absolute misery of damnation
rather than accept happiness from the hands of God and
thereby acknowledge that he is above us and that we are not
capable of fulfilling our destiny ourselves.
But a man who is truly humble cannot despair, because in a
humble man there is no longer any such thing as self-pity.3
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Sex, God & Marriage It Is Not Good for Man to Be Alone
We see here that pride is a curse that leads to death. Humility,
however, leads to love. Love is the greatest gift given to
humankind; it is our true calling. It is the “yes” to life, the
“yes” to community. Love alone fulfills the longing of our
innermost being.
God created us to
live with and for others.
God has planted in each of us an instinctive longing to
achieve a closer likeness to him, a longing that urges us
toward love, community, and unity. In his last prayer, Jesus
points out the importance of this longing: “May they all be
one, as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, so also may they
be in us, that the world may believe that thou didst send me”
(John 17:20–21).
No one can truly live without love: it is God’s will for
every person to be the “thou” for every other. Every person
is called to love and help those around him on God’s behalf
(Gen. 4:8–10).
God wants us to find community with one another and to
help one another in love. And there is no doubt that when we
meet our brother’s or sister’s inmost heart, we can help them,
for “our” help is given by God himself. As John says, “We
know that we have passed out of death into life, because we
love our brethren. He who does not love abides in death” (1
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Sex, God & Marriage It Is Not Good for Man to Be Alone
John 3:14). Our lives are fulfilled only when love is kindled,
proved, and brought to fruition.
Jesus tells us that the two most important commandments
are to love God with our whole heart, soul, and strength,
and to love our neighbor as ourselves. And these two
commandments cannot be separated: love to God must
always mean love to one’s neighbor. We cannot find a
relationship to God if we disregard others (1 John 4:19–21).
Our way to God must be through our brothers and sisters,
and in marriage, through our partner.
If we are filled with God’s love, we can never be lonely
or withdrawn for long; we will always find someone to love.
God and our neighbor will always be near us. All we need
to do is find them. Recently a young man in my community
shared with me his newly discovered joy in reaching out to
others. Sean had been living in Baltimore doing volunteer
work building homes for the disadvantaged. He thought that
this would be enough. However, when he came home at the
end of the day he didn’t know what to do:
I found myself wasting away in front of the television. My
zest for life was rapidly diminishing. Then someone told me
about an evening tutoring program for inner-city children.
They were desperately looking for help. So I decided to check
it out. Now I help out every night. I can’t believe how my
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Sex, God & Marriage It Is Not Good for Man to Be Alone
whole perspective on life has changed. I never knew before
how much I needed to love these children.
When we suffer from loneliness, it is often simply because
we desire to be loved rather than to give love. Real happiness
comes from giving love to others. We need to seek community
of love with our neighbor again and again, and in this seeking
we must each become a helper, a brother or a sister. Let us
ask God to free our choked-up hearts for this love, knowing
that we can find it only in the humility of the cross.
Every person can be
an instrument of God’s love.
In the story of the creation of Adam and Eve it is clear
that man and woman were created to help, to support, to
complement each other. What a joy it must have been for
God to bring woman to man – and man to woman! Because
we are all made in the image of God, in his likeness, we must
all find each other in joy and love, whether we are married
or not.
By bringing Eve to Adam, God shows all humans their true
calling – to be helpers who reveal his love to the world. And
by bringing us his son, Jesus, he shows us that he will never
leave us lonely or without help. Jesus himself said, “I will
not leave you orphaned; I will come to you.” He promises
us that “the one who has received my commandments and
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Sex, God & Marriage It Is Not Good for Man to Be Alone
obeys them – he it is who loves me; and he who loves me
will be loved by my Father; and I will love him and disclose
myself to him” (John 14:18–21).
Who can understand the depth of these words and the
hope they bring to our troubled world? The loneliest, most
discouraged, disillusioned people may be assured that God
will never forsake them. Even if they are unable to find
human friendship, they will never be alone as long as they
hold on to God.
God brought Adam and Eve together to heal their loneliness
and to set them free from their one-sidedness, and he has
the same plan for every man and woman he brings together
in marriage. Yet marriage in itself cannot bring wholeness.
Unless we abide in Christ, we will bear no fruit. When we
love him who alone is our support, our hope, and our life, we
can be secure in knowing and loving one another. But if we
isolate ourselves inwardly from Christ, nothing will go well.
He alone holds everything together and gives us access to
God and to others (Col. 1:17–20).
God is the source and
the object of true love.
Marriage is not the highest goal of life. God’s image is
reflected most brightly and completely where there is love
first for him and then for our brothers and sisters. In a true
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Sex, God & Marriage It Is Not Good for Man to Be Alone
Christian marriage, then, the husband will lead his wife and
children not to himself, but to God. In the same way, a wife
will support her husband as a helper, and together they will
lead their children to honor them as father and mother, and
to love God as their creator.
To be a helper to another on God’s behalf is not just an
obligation, but a gift. How different our relationships would
be if we rediscovered this! We live in a time when fear and
mistrust grip us everywhere we go. Where is love, the love
that builds community and the church?
There are two kinds of love. One is turned selflessly
toward others and their well-being. The other is possessive
and limited to the ego. Augustine says, “Love is the self of
the soul, the hand of the soul. When it holds one thing, it
cannot hold something else. If it is to hold what one gives
it, it has to put down what it is holding.”4 God’s love desires
nothing. It gives and sacrifices itself, for this is its joy.
Love always has its roots in God. May God grant that the
power of his love grips us anew. It will lead us to others, to
share our lives with them. More than that, it will lead us to
the kingdom. Love is the secret of God’s coming kingdom.
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Sex, God & Marriage They Shall Become One Flesh
The Two Shall Become
One Flesh
For this reason a man will leave his father and
mother and be united to his wife, and they will
become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24
Marriage is sacred. In the Old Testament, the
prophets use it to describe God’s relationship with his
people Israel: “I will betroth you to me forever; I will
betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and
compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will
acknowledge the Lord” (Hos. 2:19). God reveals his love
to all people in a special way in the unique bond between
husband and wife.
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Sex, God & Marriage They Shall Become One Flesh
Marriage is more than
living happily together.
In the New Testament, marriage is used as a symbol for the
unity of Christ with his church. In the Gospel of John, Jesus
is compared to a bridegroom, and in Revelation we read
that “the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has
made herself ready” (Rev. 19:7–9).
It is not without significance that Jesus changed water into
wine at a wedding; clearly, he had great joy in marriage. Yet
it is equally clear that to Jesus, marriage is a holy matter.
He takes it so seriously that he speaks with uncompromising
sharpness against even the slightest step toward its
destruction: “Therefore what God has joined together, let no
one separate” (Matt. 19:6–9).
We can see from Jesus’ sharpness what a horror adultery
is in the eyes of God. The whole Bible protests against it,
from the books of the Prophets, where the idol worship of
the children of Israel is called adultery (Jer. 13:25–27), to
Revelation, where we read of God’s wrath against the harlot.
When the bond of marriage is broken, love – the unity of
spirit and soul between two – is broken and smashed, and
not only between the adulterer and his spouse, but between
himself and God.
In our present-day culture, the institution of marriage is
teetering on the brink of disaster. Much of what is called love
is nothing but selfish desire. Even in marriage many couples
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Sex, God & Marriage They Shall Become One Flesh
live together selfishly. People are deceived in thinking that
fulfillment can be found without sacrifice and faithfulness,
and even though they may live together, they are afraid to
love each other unconditionally.
Still, amid millions of floundering and ruined marriages,
God’s love stands eternal and cries out for constancy and
devotion. There is a voice deep within each of us, however
muffled, that calls us back to faithfulness. On some level,
all of us yearn to be united – with free and open hearts – to
somebody, to some other “thou.” And if we turn to God in
the trust that such unity with another is possible, we can find
the fulfillment of our longing.
True fulfillment comes from giving love to another person.
Yet love does not only seek to give; it also longs to unite. If
I really love another person, I will be interested in knowing
what is in him and willing to be led out of my one-sidedness.
In love and humility I will help him to the possibility of a full
awakening, first toward God, and then toward others. True
love is never possessive. It always leads to the freedom of
faithfulness and purity.
The faithfulness between a husband and wife is a reflection
of God’s eternal faithfulness, for it is God who brings every
true bond together. In God’s faithfulness we find the strength
to let love flow through our lives, and to let our gifts unfold
for each other. In the love and unity of the church it is possible
to become of one spirit with every brother and sister, and
also to become of one heart and soul with them (Acts 4:32).
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Sex, God & Marriage They Shall Become One Flesh
Sexual love can give
God’s love visible form.
There is a difference between the love of an engaged or
married couple and the love among other men and women.
Nowhere is a person more dependent on another than in
marriage. There is a special joy in the heart of a married
person when the beloved is near; and even when separated,
there is a unique bond between them. Through the intimate
relationship of marriage, something takes place which may
even show in a couple’s faces. As von Gagern, says, “Often
it is only through his wife that the husband becomes truly
a man; and through her husband that the wife gains true
womanhood.”5
In a true marriage, each partner seeks the fulfillment of
the other. By complementing each other, the union between
husband and wife is enhanced. In their love for one another,
through their faithfulness to one another, and in their
fruitfulness, husband and wife reflect God’s image in a
mysterious and wonderful way.
In the unique bond of marriage we discover the deeper
meaning of becoming one flesh. Obviously to become one
flesh means to become one physically and sexually, but it is
far more than that! It is a symbol of two people bound and
melted together, heart, body, and soul, in mutual giving and
total oneness.
21
Sex, God & Marriage They Shall Become One Flesh
When two people become one flesh, they are no longer
two, but actually one. Their union is the fruit of more than
companionship or partnership; it is the deepest intimacy.
As Friedrich Nietzsche writes, it is brought about by “the
resolve of two to create a unity which is more than those
who created it. It is reverence for one another and for the
fulfillment of such a resolve.”6
Only in this reverence and oneness does marriage fulfill
the demands of the sexual conscience. Through the will to
have children, to be fruitful and to multiply, and through
the togetherness that reflects the unity of God with his
creation and his people, marriage gives visible form to God’s
outpouring love.
When God is at the center of a
marriage, full unity of heart, soul,
and body is possible.
In God’s order of marriage there are at least three different
levels of experience. The first, most wonderful level is unity
of spirit: the oneness of heart and soul in God. In this oneness
we can have community not only with our spouse but with
all believing persons. The second level is unity of emotion:
the current of love from one heart toward another that is so
strong that a person can, so to speak, hear the heartbeat of
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Sex, God & Marriage They Shall Become One Flesh
another. The third level is physical unity: the expression of
oneness found when two bodies are fused in perfect union.
Too many couples today are content with the third level
alone, or perhaps the second. A marriage based only on the
physical and emotional is doomed to disappointment. Even
though waves of emotional or physical attraction are natural,
they can leave deep wounds if they are not placed under
Christ. Not long ago a woman I know told me that she and
her husband had only joined my congregation because they
wanted to have a church wedding – not because they were
interested in committing their lives to God. “My husband and
I never talked about God’s vision for our lives, or about what
we wanted before or after our marriage,” she writes. “We
were not on the same wavelength.” Now her husband has
deserted her and their five children. It has become painfully
clear to her that because their commitment to each other was
not grounded in Christ, she and her husband lacked a solid,
lasting foundation for their marriage.
If a marriage is to be truly healthy, it must be founded
in the order of God – on unity of spirit, heart, and soul.
Most people today, including those of us who claim to be
Christians, have no idea how much God has prepared for
those who truly love and honor him. When we embrace
God’s order for our relationships, we will experience God’s
blessings. The experiences of the heart that God can give in a
true engagement or marriage are greater than we can imagine.
Too many of us live only in the world of the senses – of
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Sex, God & Marriage They Shall Become One Flesh
sleeping, eating, and drinking – and never take time to really
turn to what is much more vital: our inner life. This is also
true in so many marriages today. Sex is the focal point, and
often unity of heart is not even sought or mentioned. Is it any
wonder that so few couples remain faithful to each other for
life?
Anyone who has lived near the ocean knows something of
nature’s power in the pull of high and low tides. In marriage,
as in friendship, there are high and low tides. When a
relationship is at low ebb, it is all too easy for us to lose
patience, to distance ourselves from our partner, and even
to abandon efforts toward a renewal of love. When God is
at the center, we can turn to him and find faith and strength
even at our lowest ebb.
The more we live up to the image of God in which we
are created, the more strongly will we sense that God must
remain our center, and that his commandments are fitting for
us. We will sense that his commandments are not laid on us
as alien laws and commands. Rather, we will see that they
are in keeping with our true nature as created in his image.
But the more we betray and destroy God’s image within us,
the more his rulership will appear to us as something foreign,
a moral compulsion that crushes us.
To be fruitful for each other, by complementing each
other in love, and to be fruitful with each other in bearing
children – it is these purposes that make marriage blessed
and holy, and a joy in heaven. Even so, in the story of the
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Sex, God & Marriage They Shall Become One Flesh
creation, before God’s command “to be fruitful,” comes a
blessing: his gift of a partner to the first man. In giving the
man this gift, it is as if God is saying, “My image lives in
you.” Whenever we approach marriage, we must consider
this with great reverence. In every person and in every
marriage lives the potential for a genuine expression of the
image of God.7
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Sex, God & Marriage The First Sin
The First Sin
Now the serpent was more crafty than any of
the wild animals the Lord God had made. He
said to the woman, “Did God really forbid you
to eat from any tree in the garden?” “You will
not surely die,” the serpent said to the woman.
“For God knows that when you eat of it your
eyes will be opened, and you will be like God,
knowing good and evil.”
Genesis 3:1,4–5
Then God created the world, he saw that every thing he
made was good. The earth was truly his kingdom, and life
was ruled by the spirit of peace. Everything, including man
and woman, dwelled together in unity and harmony and
took delight in one another and in all that God had made.
With trembling reverence and wonder Adam and Eve stood
before the life-filled tree in the Garden of Eden. But then the
serpent misled Adam and Eve. Immediately, evil came into
God’s creation and tried to destroy it completely.
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Sex, God & Marriage The First Sin
Eve was tempted by the serpent with one simple question:
“Did God really say that?” and with one simple promise:
“Surely you will not die!” It is important that we understand
what this means. Satan, the seducer, tempted Eve with words
of God, just as later he tempted Jesus with words of God.
Pride separates us from God
and from each other.
What else was it, if not pride, when Eve looked at the tree
and lusted for its fruit, wanting to make herself like God?
Was she not testing God to see whether he would really
keep his word? The serpent put doubt into her heart, and
Eve listened to him with great curiosity. That in itself was
a betrayal of God, and it gives us an insight into how Satan
still works today.
Satan still wants to separate us from God, from our
brothers and sisters, and from our neighbor. And if we are
not watchful, he can do it simply by asking a seemingly
innocent question that sows seeds of mistrust and division
in our hearts. Satan disguises himself as an angel of light (2
Cor. 11:14), but actually he is the slanderer, the twister of
truth, the father of lies, the murderer from the beginning; he
tries to throw us into disorder and confusion and doubt – and
very often he succeeds.
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Sex, God & Marriage The First Sin
In the Gospel of Matthew we read that shortly after Jesus’
baptism, when he withdrew into the wilderness, Satan tried
to tempt him. Knowing that Jesus was physically weak after
fasting for forty days, Satan approached Jesus with a face of
compassion and showed false reverence by suggesting that
all the kingdoms of the world should belong to him.
Yet already in that first temptation, Jesus recognized Satan
as the tempter, and the twister of truth. He trusted in God
unconditionally and did not consider listening to Satan for
even a moment, but rather went the way of trust, obedience,
and dependence on God. Satan could not come close to his
heart.
It was not just the forbidden fruit that enticed Adam and
Eve, but pride and the self-seeking desire to be like God.
Because they lacked trust, obedience, and dependence, they
cut themselves off from God. In the end, because they no
longer honored him, they made idols of each other.
The greatest curse on our human destiny is the attempt
to become like God. Bonhoeffer says, “In following Satan’s
temptations to be like God yet independent of him, man has
become a god against God.”8 The result is a deep sickness in
the human spirit. The image of God is now a stolen image,
and twisted by idolatry and rebellion against him, it brings
great darkness and need (Rom. 1:23–32).
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Sex, God & Marriage The First Sin
False love hinders the joy of total
giving.
Adam and Eve both sinned against love. They were deceived
by a false love. How many things happen today that go by
the name of love and are nothing but destruction and soulmurder!
True love wants the person of God to shine through the
beloved: God remains the value by which love is measured
and the final goal of love’s striving. But man, in a false love
to the beloved, turns away from the highest good and thereby
makes it impossible for God to shine through the beloved.9
All this should be a serious warning to us, whether we are
married or hoping to be married. God alone must be first
in our lives, not our partner, not our children. In our own
marriage, my wife and I learned that when God did not have
the first and foremost place in our relationship, and when
we did not turn to him for guidance even in small matters,
we soon lost our closeness to each other. This affected our
children too (even if they were not conscious of it), by
making them disobedient and quarrelsome. I have seen the
same occur in many families: when a couple drifts apart, their
children act out their insecurities. In our case, as with many
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Sex, God & Marriage The First Sin
other couples, once my wife and I turned back to God and
sought to rebuild our relationship, our children responded.
When we idolize our partner or our children, our
love becomes false. We cannot speak freely about our
shortcomings or those of our family. Like Adam, we no
longer truly love God or see his countenance; we see only
our spouse’s or our children’s. Rather than address issues
head-on, we gloss things over. In this way, we eventually
lose touch with God and with each other. Worse, we open
the door to evil, especially in the sexual area, and to inner
deadness and isolation. Adam and Eve lost their innocence
because they lost their unity with God. And through the
terrible emptiness that followed, man blamed woman and
sought to dominate, and woman, resentful of man, blamed
Satan. All unity was destroyed, and man and woman
became rivals and were no longer one (Gen. 3:7–19).
When our marriages are separated from God, rivalry soon
takes root and selfishness rules us. In competing with our
partner to rule the roost, we strive to create our own little
paradise on our own terms, and we soon sink into emptiness
and deep discontent. Our inner bond is destroyed and we
remain bound to one another only through infatuation. We
continually blame each other and seek our own advantage
and independence. The joy of total giving is gone and only
the curse of half-heartedness is left.
The enemy of life in God is an independent and covetous
will. As my grandfather Eberhard Arnold writes, this will
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Sex, God & Marriage The First Sin
is “the commercial spirit of mammon, the legal spirit of
property-based relationships, the detachment of sexual desire
from the soul and from unity and community of spirit…All
this is death; it is no longer connected with life.”10
Anything that stands in opposition to life and love is
evil, and we should never underestimate the power of evil.
Sin always leads to separation, and the wages of sin are
always death (Rom. 6:23). Sinful pride bears its bitter fruit
in estrangement, separation from God, from our true selves,
from others, and from the earth. Satan and sin shatter the
most fundamental relationships we have.
From ancient times on, Christians have pictured Satan
as a creature with hooves and horns. Such a notion has no
biblical basis. Satan and his demons surround the earth as
a force of evil – like an atmosphere (Eph. 2:1–
2; 6:12). His
sole aim is to blind humans with self-interest and egoism:
“You will be like God.” And instead of going the way of
simple obedience, we allow ourselves to be tempted.
Like Adam and Eve, all of us are divided
and estranged by our sin.
Adam and Eve’s first sin symbolizes the fall of each one of
us. We cannot ignore the fact that the original image of God
in us has been terribly distorted. Instead of being content
to reflect the image of God, we strive for equality with
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Sex, God & Marriage The First Sin
God. We have turned the highest qualities within us against
God’s will. In our worldly “freedom” we are no longer even
concerned about God or his original image. We are estranged
from him and moved only by the affairs of the world. We are
at odds with ourselves and trapped by the guilt of our own
dividedness.
Cut off from God in this way, we place ourselves at the
center of the universe and try to find peace in possessions and
pleasure. But these idols only leave us troubled with anxiety
and anguish. Then arises the first mistrustful question,
“Why?” and the second, “Is God really there?” We begin to
doubt the guidance of the Spirit, and we ask, “Why do I have
it so hard? Why me?”
Such questions eat away at our trust, not only in God but
in each other, and when we ask them we are never far from
sinning. Complete trust takes the hand that God is offering
and goes the way he leads. Even if the way leads through
darkness or suffering, through hard places, over rocks and
deserts, trust will help us to follow. If we take God’s hand,
nothing can happen to us. But as soon as we let go of God
and question him, we will begin to despair. That is always
the challenge: to hold on to God.
Jesus had to endure every human suffering; he was spared
nothing – not hunger, thirst, loneliness, nor torment. But he
did not attempt to escape from his misery. He is near to us,
and he is always ready to help us, to give us the strength to
overcome (Heb. 2:14–18). Even the most satanic temptations,
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Sex, God & Marriage The First Sin
the most terrible hours of darkness, are overcome by these
words of Jesus: “You shall worship the Lord your God, and
him alone shall you serve” (Matt. 4:10). This is the secret.
Here Satan loses all power over us, and the first sin no longer
binds.
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Sex, God & Marriage Restoring the Image of God
Restoring the
Image of God
The Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of
the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with
unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are
being transformed into his likeness with everincreasing
glory, which comes from the Lord,
who is the Spirit…Therefore, if anyone is in
Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone,
the new has come!
2 Corinthians 3:17–18; 5:17
Stronger than any human relationship is our relationship
to God. All other relationships are merely symbols of it. First
and foremost, we are images of God and we need to find
reverence for that fact again and again.
The greatest hope for every seeker, and for every
relationship or marriage, is to recognize that even though we
have distorted this image and fallen away from God, a faint
reflection still remains in us. Despite our corruption, God
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Sex, God & Marriage Restoring the Image of God
does not want us to lose our destiny as creatures made in his
image. Therefore he sent his son Jesus, the second Adam,
to break into our hearts (Rom. 5:17–19). Through Jesus the
image of God can be restored in every man and woman, and
to every relationship.
Jesus opens the way
to God and to each other.
Jesus is God’s reconciler: he has come to reconcile us to God
and to others and to overcome the inner discord in our lives
(Eph. 2:11–19). When we become discouraged or downcast,
then more than ever we must seek him. Everyone who seeks
will find God. This is a promise. Jeremiah says, “You will
seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart”
(Jer. 29:13). And there are the wonderful words in the gospels:
“Anyone who seeks will find; to anyone who knocks, the
door will be opened” (Luke 11:10). These words are true
today, and if we take them seriously, God will become living
in our hearts.
The way to God is open for everyone. No human being
is excluded from this gift, because Jesus came as a human
being. God sent him to restore his image in us. Through him
we have access to the Father. But this can only happen when
the experience of Pentecost – the experience of personal
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Sex, God & Marriage Restoring the Image of God
repentance, conversion, and faith – becomes a burning
reality for us.
The miracle of Pentecost, in which the Spirit descended
to earth in power and love, can happen anywhere in the
world at any time. It can happen wherever people cry out,
“Brothers, sisters, what shall we do?” and wherever they are
ready to hear the age-old answer of Peter, “Repent and be
baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus the Messiah,
for the forgiveness of your sins…Save yourselves from this
crooked generation” (Acts 2:37–40).
Freedom comes through
surrender, not human strength.
We can find forgiveness and salvation only at the cross. At
the cross we undergo death. This death liberates us from
everything that has prevented fellowship with God and with
others and renews our relationship with them. In giving up
the sin and evil which has enslaved us, we find freedom in
Jesus. We can never redeem ourselves or better ourselves by
our own strength. All we can finally do is surrender ourselves
completely to Jesus and his love, so that our lives no longer
belong to us but to him.
My father, J. Heinrich Arnold, writes:
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Sex, God & Marriage Restoring the Image of God
If we want to be healed of the wounds made by Satan’s tricks
and arrows…we must have the same absolute trust in Jesus
as he had in God. Ultimately, all we have is our sin. But we
must lay our sin before him in trust. Then he will give us
forgiveness, cleansing, and peace of heart; and these lead to a
love that cannot be described.11
What does it mean to “lay our sin before him in trust?”
Freedom and the possibility for reconciliation begin
whenever we confess the accusations of our conscience. Sin
lives in darkness and wants to remain there. But when, as
the following story of an acquaintance, Darlene, shows, we
bring to light the sins that burden us – when we admit them
without reserve – we can be cleansed and freed:
By the ninth grade, I had picked out my “future husband.” I
spent many secret hours writing to him in my diary, dreaming
about him, and watching his house in the hope of seeing him
through a window. Several years later he married someone
else, and my fantasy world fell apart.
Through my high school years I tried to be part of the “in”
crowd, always conscious of what I said, did, and wore. But
by the time I graduated, I had flirted with countless boys, and
though I felt guilty about this because of my upbringing, I
simply chose to ignore it. I squashed my protesting conscience
and convinced myself that I could handle any situation.
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Sex, God & Marriage Restoring the Image of God
After high school I traveled to Israel, intending to spend
a year at a kibbutz. At first I was shocked by the constant
partying and the preoccupation with sex among the teens
there, but soon I was hanging out in guys’ rooms and going to
drinking parties and discos like everyone else. I told myself
I could withdraw from any situation at any time, but within
weeks I had let myself be sucked into relationship with a
boy who said he truly loved me. I wanted so much to believe
him that I fell for him, even though I knew he was the Don
Juan of the kibbutz. I felt more and more guilty; I could see
I was doing exactly what I had claimed I was strong enough
to resist. I panicked when I saw him a few nights later with
another girl.
I returned home and, during the next two years, thought I
had overcome my problem. But I had not. I fell again.
A man promised me a wonderful future, and he told me
constantly how much he loved me and how beautiful I was.
I wanted desperately to believe in him. Soon it was handholding,
hugging, kissing, touching – one thing led to the
next. As he wanted more and more from me, I completely
blocked out all feelings of terrible guilt and horror. When
he asked for sex, I gave in. I chose to fall deeper into sin
rather than face up to the absolute mess I was in. I wanted
to run away from home and live with him, and I promised
him my love and loyalty – even when he threatened to kill
me if I told anyone about our relationship. The next day he
disappeared, and I never saw him again.
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Sex, God & Marriage Restoring the Image of God
Plagued by depression, I considered suicide. My head and
stomach ached incessantly. I felt I was going insane. I was
obsessed with sex; I didn’t see how I could go on without a
man to “love” me. I went for one boy after another; two of
them were even engaged to other girls. I grew desperate and
wept secretly for hours. Through it all, though I felt like a
prostitute, I tried to show my family and friends a happy and
confident image…
My double life could not last forever, and eventually I was
caught in a lie. I realized then that God was giving me another
chance. I might never again have such an opportunity to break
out of my sin. Giving in, I turned to my parents and confessed
everything. The devil was not quick to let me go, tormenting
me in my sleep, but the depth of God’s love became very real
to me in the following weeks and months. There were constant
prayers and love from my family and church, who never lost
hope for me. I believe prayer drove away many evil spirits
that often seemed to hover around me, especially in those first
weeks.
After months of hard-fought struggle, my bondage to evil
was finally severed. Then came the unforgettable moment
when the forgiveness of all my sins was spoken out by my
pastor, in God’s stead. The power and joy of that moment
knew no bounds.
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Sex, God & Marriage Restoring the Image of God
When we are burdened by sin, it is a tremendous gift to find
someone to talk to about it. Pouring out one’s heart to another
person is like opening a sluice gate in a dam – the water runs
out, and the pressure disappears. If confession is honest and
heartfelt, it can bring a deep feeling of relief, because it is the
first step on the road to forgiveness. But ultimately we have
to stand before God. We cannot run away or hide from him,
as Adam and Eve tried to do when they disobeyed him. If we
are willing to stand before him in the light of his son Jesus,
he will burn away all our guilt.
Just as God gave the first man and woman peace and joy
in the Garden of Eden, he gives every believer the task of
working toward the new order of his peaceable kingdom. To
carry out this task, we must joyfully accept the rule of God in
our lives and be willing to go the entire way of Jesus – to start
at the stable in Bethlehem and end at the cross on Golgotha.
It is a very lowly, humble walk. But it is the only way that
leads to complete light and hope.
Jesus alone can forgive and remove our sins, because he
alone is free from all stain. He can stir our consciences and
set them free from impurity, bitterness, and discord (Heb.
9:14). If we accept the stirrings of our conscience, if we
embrace God’s judgment and mercy, it does not matter how
sinful and corrupt we have been. In Christ the conscience
that used to be our enemy becomes our friend.
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Sex, God & Marriage Restoring the Image of God
Forgiveness has power
to transform our lives.
The forgiveness of sins that Jesus offers is so powerful that
it will change a person’s life completely. Everything that
makes us fearful or isolated, everything impure and deceitful,
will yield if we give ourselves to him. What is up will come
down, and what is down will come up. This change will
start in the innermost heart of our being, and then both our
inner and outer life, including all our relationships, will be
transformed.
Whether or not a person has been transformed in this way
shows up most plainly when he or she faces death. Those
who have been at the bedside of a dying person will know
how absolute, how final in its significance, is each person’s
inner relationship with God. They know that in the end,
when the last breaths are drawn, this bond is the only thing
that counts.
It is the life-task of every person to prepare to meet God.
Jesus tells us how to do this when he says, “Whatever you do
for the least of them you do to me.” He also says, “Blessed
are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God.” I
have personally experienced at deathbeds that if a person has
lived for others, as Jesus did, then God is very close to him in
the last hour. I have also experienced at the hour of death the
torment of those who have lived selfish and sinful lives.
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Sex, God & Marriage Restoring the Image of God
All of us, whether married or single, need to grasp more
deeply the eternally healing words of Jesus: “Lo, I am with
you always, even to the close of the age” (Matt. 28:20). In
Jesus there is life, love, and light. In him our lives and our
relationships can be purified from all that burdens us and
opposes love, and God’s image in us can be restored.
42
Sex, God & Marriage Sexuality and the Sensuous Sphere
Sexuality and
the Sensuous Sphere
Everything God created is good, and nothing is
to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving,
because it is consecrated by the Word of God
and prayer.
1 Timothy 4:4–5
The Bible speaks of the heart as the center of a
person’s inner life. In the heart, decisions are made and
the direction is set as to what spirit we will follow (Jer.
17:10). But God also created us as sensuous beings. To
the sensuous belongs everything that we perceive with our
senses, including sexual attraction. The scent of a flower, the
warmth of the sun, or a baby’s first smile brings us joy. God
has given us a great gift in our senses, and if we use them to
praise and honor him, they can bring us great happiness.
Yet just as the area of sensuous experience can bring us
close to God, it can mislead us and even bring us into satanic
darkness. All too often we tend toward the superficial and
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Sex, God & Marriage Sexuality and the Sensuous Sphere
miss the might and power of what God could otherwise
give us. Too often, in grasping at what we experience with
our senses, we forget about God and miss the possibility of
experiencing the full depth of his will.
Lasting joy is found not
in our senses, but in God.
To reject the living senses is to reject God and his handiwork
(1 Tim. 4:1–3). The Spirit does not want us to reject the body
or its emotional powers. But we should not forget that Satan
seeks to undermine every good thing; he is a twister of the
truth and is always waiting to deceive us, especially in this
area.
Admittedly, the soul is drawn to God through the spirit,
but it is always bound to the physical through the body. The
physical is not the real enemy of the spirit, and it must never
be despised. The real enemy is Satan, who continually tries
to attack the human soul and sever it from God. God’s will
is that every part of life – spirit, soul, and body – be brought
under his control for his service (1 Cor. 10:31).
In and of itself there is nothing wrong with the sphere of
the senses. After all, everything we do, whether waking or
sleeping, is a sensory experience at some level. But because
we are not mere animals, because we are made in the image
of God, far more is expected of us.
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Sex, God & Marriage Sexuality and the Sensuous Sphere
When two people fall in love, the joy they have at first is on
a sensuous level: they look into each other’s eyes, they hear
one another speak, they rejoice in the touch of the other’s
hand, or even in the warmth of the other’s closeness. Of
course, the experience goes far deeper than seeing, hearing,
or feeling, but it still begins as an experience of the senses.
Yet human love can never remain at this level – it must go
much deeper than that. When the sensuous becomes an end in
itself, everything seems fleeting and temporary, and we feel
compelled to seek our satisfaction in experiences of greater
and greater intensity (Eph. 4:17–19). Spending our energies
on the intoxication of our senses, we soon exhaust and ruin
our ability to take in life’s vital power. And we also lose the
capacity for any deep inner experiences. An acquaintance
who has been married for over thirty years told me:
When my wife and I first married, I always wanted her to
dress smart and sexy. It was the heyday of the mini-skirt,
and I thought she looked great in one. I did not recognize the
damage this attitude did to her, to other men, and to myself.
I was actually encouraging the lustful glance that Jesus so
clearly denounces. Only later, when my wife and I realized
this, did we find freedom from an unhealthy emphasis on each
other’s physical appearance and the way forward to a more
genuine relationship.
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Sex, God & Marriage Sexuality and the Sensuous Sphere
Unless we surrender ourselves (including our senses) in
reverence to God, we will be unable to experience the things
of this world to their fullest. Time and again I have seen how
people who focus on gratifying their senses wind up leading
shallow, aimless lives. When our senses rule, we become
frustrated and confused. But in God we can experience the
eternal in the sensuous. In him we can satisfy our heart’s
deepest longings for what is genuine and lasting.
When we surrender our sexuality
to God, it becomes a gift.
As a gift from God, sensuality is a mystery; without God, its
mystery is lost and it is desecrated. This is especially true for
the whole area of sex. The sexual life has a deep intimacy all
its own, which each of us instinctively hides from others. Sex
is each person’s secret, something that affects and expresses
one’s innermost being. Every disclosure in this area opens
up something intimate and personal and lets another person
into one’s secret. Therefore the sexual sphere – even though
it is one of God’s greatest gifts – is also the sphere of shame.
We are ashamed to unveil our secret before others. There
is a reason for this: just as Adam and Eve were ashamed
of their nakedness before God because they knew that they
had sinned, all of us know that we are sinful by nature. This
recognition is not an unhealthy mental disorder, as many
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Sex, God & Marriage Sexuality and the Sensuous Sphere
psychologists claim. It is the instinctive response to protect
that which is holy and given by God, and it should lead every
person to repentance.
Sexual union is meant to be the expression and fulfillment
of an enduring and unbreakable bond of love. It represents
the supreme surrender to another human being because
it involves the mutual revelation of each partner’s most
intimate secret. To engage in sexual activity of any kind
without being united in the bond of marriage, therefore, is
a desecration. The widespread practice of premarital sexual
“experimentation,” even with a partner one intends to marry,
is no less terrible, and it can severely damage a future
marriage. The veil of intimacy between a man and woman
must not be lifted without the blessing of God and the church
in marriage (Heb. 13:4).
Even within a marriage, the whole sphere of sexual
intimacy must be placed under Christ if it is to bear good
fruit. The contrast between a marriage where Christ is in
the center and one where the flesh is the focal point is best
described by the Apostle Paul in his letter to the Galatians:
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality,
impurity, and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred,
discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissension,
factions, and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn
you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit
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Sex, God & Marriage Sexuality and the Sensuous Sphere
the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy,
peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,
and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those
who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature
with its passions and desires (Gal. 5:19–24).
People who see sexual lust in the same way as they see
gluttony do not understand the significance of the sexual
sphere. When we surrender to the temptations of lust or
sexual impurity, we are defiled in quite a different way than
by gluttony, even though that, too, is condemned by Paul.
Lust and impurity wound us in our innermost heart and
being. They attack the soul at its core. Whenever we fall into
sexual impurity, we fall prey to demonic evil, and our whole
being is corrupted. Then only through deep repentance and
conversion can we be freed.
The opposite of impurity is not
legalism.
The opposite of sexual impurity and sensuality, however, is
not prudery, moralism, or false piety. How seriously Jesus
warns us against this! (Matt. 23:25–28) In everything we
experience with our senses, our joy must be genuine and
free. Pascal says, “The passions are most alive in those who
want to renounce them.” When sensuality is repressed by
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moral compulsion rather than disciplined from within, it
will only find new channels of untruthfulness and perversity
(Col. 2:21–23).
In our corrupt and shameless time, it is harder and harder
to raise children with a deep sense of reverence for God and
all that he has created. All the more, we must strive to bring
up our children in such a way that whether or not they marry
as adults, they grow up to be men and women committed to
a life of purity.
We must be watchful that our children do not talk
irreverently about sexual matters. Yet at the same time
we cannot avoid the issue. Rather, we need to bring to
our children a spirit of reverence. We must teach them to
understand the significance and holiness of sex in God’s
order, and impress on them the importance of keeping their
bodies pure and undefiled for the single purpose of marriage.
They must learn to feel, as we do, that sex finds its greatest
fulfillment, and therefore gives greatest pleasure, only in a
pure and godly marriage.
God has joy when a young married couple experiences
full uniting: first in spirit, then from heart to heart and soul
to soul, and then in body. When a man and woman lift the
veil of sex in reverence before him, in relationship with him,
and in the unity given by him, their union honors God. Every
couple should strive for this reverence, for “the pure in heart
shall see God.”
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Sex, God & Marriage The Pure in Heart
The Pure in Heart
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall
see God…Since we have these promises, dear
friends, let us purify ourselves from everything
that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting
holiness out of reverence for God.
Matthew 5:8; 2 Corinthians 7:1
Søren Kierkegaard says that purity of heart is to will
one thing. That one thing is God and his will. Apart from
God, our hearts remain hopelessly divided. What is impurity,
then? Impurity is separation from God. In the sexual sphere
it is the misuse of sex, which occurs whenever sex is used in
any way that is forbidden by him.
Impurity never pollutes us from without. It cannot be
outwardly wiped away at will. Originating in our imagination,
it breaks out from inside us like an infected sore (Matt.
15:16–20). An impure spirit is never satisfied, never whole:
it always wants to steal something for itself, and even then
lusts for still more. Impurity stains the soul, corrupts the
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conscience, destroys the coherence of life, and eventually
leads to spiritual death.
An impure heart is neither
satisfied nor free.
Whenever we allow our soul to be touched by impurity, we
open it to a demonic force that has power to gain control over
every sphere of our life, not only the sexual. Impurity can
take the form of idolatrous passion for professional sports; it
can be the ambitious craving for prestige or power over other
people. If we are ruled by anything but Christ, we are living
in impurity.
Impurity in the sexual sphere consists in using another
person solely in order to satisfy desire. It is there wherever
people enter into situations of sexual intimacy with no
intention of forming a lasting bond.
One of the starkest forms of impurity occurs when a person
engages in sexual intercourse (or any other sexual act) for the
sake of money. A person who does this “becomes one with
the harlot,” as the Apostle Paul says, because he is using the
body of another human being simply as a thing, a means of
self-gratification. In doing this he commits a crime against
the other person, but also against himself: “He who goes
to the prostitute becomes the murderer of his own life” (1
Cor. 6:15–20). Even in marriage, sex for its own sake is sex
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separated from God. As von Hildebrand writes, it possesses
a poisonous sweetness that paralyzes and destroys.
It would be a great mistake, however, to imagine that the
opposite of impurity is the absence of sexual feeling. In fact,
the lack of sexual awareness is not necessarily even fertile
ground for purity. A person who lacks sensitivity to sex is in
actual fact an incomplete person: he or she lacks something
not only in natural disposition, but in that which gives color
to his or her whole being.
People who seek purity do not despise sex. They are simply
free from prudish fear and hypocritical shows of disgust. But
they never lose reverence for the mystery of sex, and they
will keep a respectful distance from it until they are called
by God to enter its territory through marriage.
For unmarried Christians, suppression of sexual feelings
is not the answer; only when they are surrendered completely
to Christ will purity be found. In marriage, two people
entrust the special holiness of the sexual area to each other.
Yet in the deepest sense it is not they who give this gift to
each other, but God, who created us all as sexual beings.
Thus, whenever we give in to temptation – even if only in
our thoughts – we are sinning against God, who created our
sexuality for his purpose, which is the sanctity of marriage.
God wants to give inner harmony and decisive clarity
to every heart. In this lies purity (James 4:8). As Eberhard
Arnold writes:
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If one’s heart is not clear and undivided – “single,” as Jesus
put it – then it will be weak, flabby, and indolent, incapable of
accepting God’s will, of making important decisions, and of
taking strong action. That is why Jesus attached the greatest
significance to singleness of heart, simplicity, unity, solidarity,
and decisiveness. Purity of heart is nothing else than absolute
integrity, which can overcome desires that enervate and
divide. Determined single-heartedness is what the heart needs
in order to be receptive, truthful and upright, confident and
brave, firm and strong.12
The key to purity is humility.
In the Beatitudes Jesus blesses the pure and the meek; he
says that they shall inherit the earth and see God. Purity and
meekness belong together, because they both arise from
complete surrender to God. In fact, they depend on it. But
purity and meekness are not inborn; they must be struggled
for again and again. There are few things more wonderful a
Christian can strive for.
The struggle against sexual impurity is not just a problem
for young adults. For many people, it does not lessen as they
grow older and more mature but remains a serious struggle
for life. Certainly a desire for purity is good and necessary,
yet it remains impossible for anyone to “resolve” never to
give in to temptation again. Only through the experience of
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forgiveness can the gift of purity be given. And even then,
our battle against temptations will continue. Still, we can
take courage. No matter how often or how sorely we are
tempted, Jesus will plead to God on our behalf if we ask
him. In him we will find victory over every temptation (1
Cor. 10:13).
Yet only the humble can experience God’s infinite
goodness. The proud never can. Proud people open their
hearts to all sorts of evil: impurity, lying, stealing, and the
spirit of murder. Where there is one of these sins, the others
will not be far behind. People who strive for purity in their
own strength will always be stumbling. Seemingly selfconfident,
they fall into darkness and sin because they think
they can handle their problems on their own.
Each of us faces temptations in the sexual area, and our
only hope in overcoming these lies in our willingness to
confess our struggle to someone we trust. When we do this,
we discover that we are by no means unique.
Frank, a young man who has shared with me about his
struggle for purity, writes:
Even as a small child, I considered myself to be a special and
“spiritual” person. Once I established this image, I found it
extremely difficult to share my problems with my parents or
with anyone else. As I grew up, all my energy went into being
a “good” boy. I would watch people I thought were “cool,”
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and I would try to imitate them. This self-obsession continued
during my college years. I chose to follow the crowd and drift
along wherever the stream of college life took me.
As I grew older, I saw my peers maturing into functional
adults. Scared that I was being left behind, I refined my efforts
to hide my deep insecurity, a problem that by now amounted
to a mental disorder. Rather than look for suave role models,
I turned to men who seemed to be spiritually gifted and tried
to copy them.
As the years went by, my fear that something might be
chronically wrong with my life increased. Because of my
pride, I was tormented and plagued by mistrust, doubts, and
hatred. At the same time I led a secret life of sexual impurity.
But I suppressed all this and lived in constant fear of being
found out.
Too often I have watched people who could have been helped
early on lose hope and slide further into sexual sin. Like an
avalanche, their problems mount. Some even fall for a life of
crime, drugs, and alcohol abuse simply because they see no
way out. Often all such a person needs is a friend or pastor
to point him toward God and encourage him to work for
the purity he actually craves. (Frank eventually confronted
his desperate need and asked for help.) A person’s intense
self-absorption, which is often camouflaged pride, shields
him from the great promise that every temptation can be
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overcome – if only he is willing to admit his failings and
turn away from himself.
Humble people, on the other hand, live in God’s strength.
They may fall, but God will always lift them up and rescue
them from a downward spiral.
Of course, not only our struggles but everything in our
lives should be placed under Jesus. Jesus overcomes the
desires that tear us apart and dissipate our strength. The more
firmly we are gripped by his Spirit, the nearer we will come
to finding our true character.
Who is pure in heart?
In the Sermon on the Mount we can see how seriously Jesus
takes the daily fight for purity. He says that if we look at
another person with a lustful glance, we have already
committed adultery in our hearts (Matt. 5:27–30). The fact
that Jesus speaks about lustful thoughts – let alone lustful
actions – should show us how important a decisive attitude
of heart is in this fight.
Bonhoeffer writes, “Who is pure in heart? Only those
who have surrendered their hearts completely to Jesus that
he alone may remain in them; only those whose hearts are
undefiled by their own evil – and by their own virtue as
well.”13
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Pure men and women are able to discern both the good and
the evil in the sexual sphere. They are awake to its intrinsic
qualities and fully aware of its goodness and beauty as a
gift from God. But they are also keenly aware that even the
slightest misuse of this gift opens the door to evil spirits, and
they know they cannot free themselves from these spirits in
their own strength. That is why they avoid every situation
that defiles the soul and abhor the thought of leading others
into sin.
It is of vital importance that in our fight for purity we
reject everything that belongs to the domain of sexual
impurity, including greed, vanity, and every other form of
self-indulgence. Our attitude cannot be one of “partial”
fascination with lust – only one of complete rejection. If our
hearts are pure, we will react instinctively against anything
that threatens to cloud this attitude.
Here the church community has a great responsibility
to fight daily for an atmosphere of purity among all of its
members (Eph. 5:3–4). The fight for purity must go hand
in hand with the fight for justice and community, because
there is no true purity of heart without a feeling for justice
(James 1:26–27). Purity is not just related to the sexual area;
to know that a neighbor is hungry and to go to bed without
giving him food is to defile one’s heart. That is why the early
Christians pooled everything they possessed – their food and
drink, their goods, their strength, even their intellectual and
creative activity – and gave them up to God. Because they
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were of one heart and soul and held all things in common,
they could fight all things through to victory as one body.
Marriage is no guarantee of purity.
It is an illusion to think that the struggle for purity comes
to an end as soon as one is married. Marriage can even be a
trap. Many young people think that all their problems will be
solved the minute they are married, but the fact is that many
of their problems will only begin then.
Certainly, the union between husband and wife is a great
grace. It can have a redeeming effect, especially in the sense
of softening one’s ego. But the redemptive effect of marriage
can never be complete in itself. No one can ever solve the
need of a partner’s burdened conscience. Full redemption
can be found only in Jesus.
A marriage certificate is no guarantee of purity. Whenever
a true relationship to God is missing, sex quickly loses its
true depth and dignity and becomes an end in itself. Even
in marriage, superficiality in the sexual sphere spells ruin
because it breaks down the mystery of the bond between
man and woman.
It is tragic how so many today, even among Christians,
use the marriage certificate as a license for satisfying every
desire. A middle-aged couple I once met shared with me
how, in the privacy of their own bedroom, they periodically
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watched pornographic videos to help “keep their love life
alive.” They saw nothing wrong with this. “Doesn’t God
want a couple to enjoy each other?” was their rationale.
Little could they see how twisted and cheap their love life
had become. Their attempts to substitute their lives with
those of others only served to fuel their dissatisfaction with
each other.
Nothing should reveal the need of God’s special sanction
more plainly than marriage. Therefore, whenever a man and
woman unite, they should have the attitude Moses had when
he came upon the burning bush: “Here is holy ground, take
off your shoes!” (Exod. 3:5) Their attitude must always be
one of reverence for their creator and for the mystery of
marriage.
As the union of a husband and wife under God, sex fulfills
its divinely ordained function in a profound way: it is tender,
peaceful, and mysterious. Far from being an animal-like act
of aggression and lust, it creates and expresses a unique bond
of deep, self-giving love.
When a couple experiences the sexual sphere in this
way, they will feel that their union cannot be meant only
for procreation. At the same time, they must remember that
through their uniting a new life may come into being. If they
are truly reverent, they will feel such an awe for the holiness
of this fact that their union will become like a prayer to
God.
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Without Christ, a man or woman who has lived in impurity
cannot grasp the mysterious depth of the sexual sphere. But
in Christ there can be complete healing. “For we know that
when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him
as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself,
just as he is pure” (1 John 3:3).
What God
Has Joined
Together
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Sex, God & Marriage Marriage in the Holy Spirit
Marriage in
the Holy Spirit
I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling
you have received. Be completely humble and
gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in
love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the
Spirit through the bond of peace.
Ephesians 4:1–3
Every marriage goes through tests and crises, but these
can bring about an increase in love, and every young couple
should remember this. True love provides the strength
needed to meet every test. It means deeds, acts of helping
one another in humble, mutual submission. True love is born
of the Holy Spirit.
Often we overlook the depth of this truth. We tend either
to dismiss true love as some sort of flimsy fairy tale or to
focus so much energy on finding it that we miss it entirely.
But the true love that stems from the Holy Spirit is not
brought about by human effort. A married couple who
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experiences its blessings will notice their love increasing
with each passing year, regardless of the trials they may
encounter. Decades into their marriage, they will still find joy
in making each other happy. As Jean, an acquaintance who
has been married for over forty years, writes, expressions of
love do not require much fanfare. Often the simplest gesture
says the most.
My husband, Chad, and I have gone through many struggles
in our relationship with each other, and with our children.
Yet through it all our love has grown stronger. Again and
again we marvel at the gift God gave us in each other. I do
not believe that our relationship could ever exist without
romance – the little joys or surprises we make for each other
are what confirm and renew our love time and again. I am
always happily surprised when Chad, who is a writer, presents
me with a poem or brings home flowers for our table. And
how he loves it when I have a cup of coffee ready for him, or
fresh-baked cookies, when he comes home from work at the
end of the day.
We have discovered that nothing is more reviving than a
good laugh as we recount the day’s little experiences to each
other, or when he pulls my leg about something…It is true
that marriage is a serious commitment for life, yet I think we
can also be very childlike about it and trust in God’s leading,
taking one step at a time. We stumble along; we make our
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mistakes; we have our disagreements and arguments. But
afterwards we love each other all the more.
The spirit opens up an entirely
different plane of experience.
When two people seek a relationship, they usually do so in
terms of mutual emotions, common values, shared ideas, and
a feeling of good will toward each other. Without despising
these, we must recognize that the Holy Spirit opens up an
entirely different plane of experience between husband and
wife.
Certainly, marital love based on the impulses of the
emotions can be wonderful, but it can all too quickly become
desperate and unhappy. In the long run it is an unstable
foundation. Love gains certainty and firmness only when it
is ruled by the Spirit.
If we seek only the unity and love that is possible on a
human level, we remain like clouds drifting and suspended.
When we seek unity in the Spirit, God can ignite in us a
faithful love that can endure to the end. The Spirit burns
away everything that cannot endure. He purifies our love.
True love does not originate from ourselves, but is poured
out over us.
Marriage in the Holy Spirit signifies faithfulness.
Where there is no loyalty, there is no true love. In our
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society, marriages are being tested as never before, but this
should refine and increase our faithfulness to one another.
Faithfulness springs from the inward certainty of our calling.
It comes from submission to God’s order.
In his Confession of Faith (1540), the Anabaptist
Peter Riedemann describes God’s order for marriage as
encompassing three levels. First is the marriage of God
to his people, of Christ to his church, and of the Spirit to
our spirit (1 Cor. 6:17). Second is the community of God’s
people among themselves – justice and common fellowship
in spirit and soul. Third is the unity between one man and one
woman (Eph. 5:31), which “is visible to and understandable
by all.”14
Unity of faith is the
surest basis for marriage.
Paul the Apostle also draws a parallel between marriage and
spiritual unity when he tells husbands to love their wives
“just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”
(Eph. 5:25). For Christians, marriage is a reflection of the
deepest unity: the unity of God and his church. In a Christian
marriage, therefore, it is the unity of God’s kingdom, in
Christ, and in the Holy Spirit that matters most. Ultimately,
it is the only sure foundation on which a marriage can be
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built. “Seek first God’s kingdom and his justice, and all these
things will be given to you as well” (Matt. 6:33).
Marriage should always lead two believing people closer
to Jesus and his kingdom. It is not good enough for a couple
to get married in a church or by a minister. To be drawn nearer
to Christ, they must first be fully dedicated as individuals to
the spirit of God’s kingdom, and to the church community
that serves it and stands under its direction. First there must
be heart-felt unity of faith and spirit. Only then will there be
true unity of soul and body as well.
This is why (at least traditionally) so many churches have
been reluctant to bless the union of a member with a spouse
who does not share his or her faith in Christ (2 Cor. 6:14).
(In Ezra, chapters 9 and 10, we read how the prophet had
to come before God and repent deeply on behalf of all the
Israelites because they were marrying women from pagan
nations.) On the one hand, they believe that anyone who is
really drawn by the spirit of love and justice professed by
a truly Christian church will not remain an “outsider”; on
the other, they feel that a marriage between a member and
a person who is not drawn to the life of the church and the
basic premises of its beliefs would prevent both partners
from finding the spiritual unity that is the highest level of
marriage.
If, however, a person already married to someone of a
different belief wished to join the church I pastor, I would
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do my utmost to preserve the marriage, as long as the new
member did not feel hindered in faith by his or her spouse.
When the love of two people who desire to be married is
dedicated to the Holy Spirit and placed under his rule and
direction – when it serves the unity and justice of God’s
kingdom – there is no reason why the two should not marry.
But when a couple lacks spiritual unity, marriage in the
church should be out of the question. If the church is truly
the Body, the unity of its members under God must come
before everything else.
Here it should be said that the demands of a true marriage
in the Spirit can never be met by a human system of answers
or solved by means of principles, rules, and regulations.
They can be grasped only in the light of unity, by those who
have experienced the spirit of unity, accepted it personally,
and begun to live in accordance with it.
The very essence of God’s will is unity (John 17:20–
23). It was God’s will for unity that brought Pentecost to
the world. Through the outpouring of the Spirit, people’s
hearts were struck, and they repented and were baptized.
The fruits of their unity were not only spiritual. The material
and practical aspects of their lives, too, were affected and
even revolutionized. Goods were collected and sold, and
the proceeds were laid at the feet of the apostles. Everyone
wanted to give all they had out of love. Yet no one suffered
want, and everyone received what he or she needed. Nothing
was held back. There were no laws or principles to govern
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this revolution. Not even Jesus said exactly how it should
be brought about, only, “Sell all you have and give it to the
poor” (Matt. 19:21). At Pentecost it simply happened: the
Spirit descended and united the hearts of those who believed
(Acts 2:42–47).
The Spirit frees us from pettiness
and brings unity of heart.
Genuine unity, like joy or love, cannot be forced or created
artificially. Only the Spirit can bring unity. Only the Spirit
can free us from our pettiness and from the forces of guilt
and sin that divide us from God and from each other. With
our own wills we can certainly try to free ourselves from
these forces, and we may be able to overcome them to a
certain degree and for a certain period of time. But we
should remember that ultimately only the spirit of love can
overcome the flesh.
Again, we must never forget our dependence on the
guidance of the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:25). Even within a
marriage, if our unity is based only on mutual feelings or
common values and not on the Spirit, it runs the risk of
being swallowed up by the purely sexual and emotional. We
ourselves are not capable of bringing about the true unity of
spirit in which two hearts become one. That can happen only
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when we allow ourselves to be gripped and transformed by
something greater than ourselves.
When a marriage is anchored in the Holy Spirit, both
partners will feel that their love is not a private possession but
a fruit and gift of God’s uniting love. They may still struggle
with selfishness, disunity, superficiality, or other disorders,
but if they keep their hearts open, the Spirit will always lift
their eyes to God and his help.
The Spirit must come to each of us, whether married or
unmarried, again and again. It wants to transform everything
in our hearts and give us the strength to love. In his First
Letter to the Corinthians, Paul says, “There is nothing love
cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and its
endurance. Love will never come to an end.” Love is born of
the Holy Spirit, and only in the Spirit can a true marriage be
conceived – and endure.
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Sex, God & Marriage The Mystery of Marriage
The Mystery
of Marriage
Submit to one another out of reverence for
Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to
the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife
as Christ is the head of the church, his body,
of which he is the Savior. Now as the church
submits to Christ, so also wives should submit
to their husbands in everything. Husbands,
love your wives, just as Christ loved the church
and gave himself up for her to make her holy,
cleansing her by the washing with water
through the Word, and to present her to himself
as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle
or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
In this same way, husbands ought to love their
wives as their own bodies. He who loves his
wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hates
his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just
as Christ does the church, for we are members
of his body. For this reason a man will leave
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his father and mother and be united to his
wife, and the two will become one flesh. This
is a profound mystery, but I am talking about
Christ and the church.
Ephesians 5:21–32
In God’s order, marriage and family originate in the church.
The church is God’s primary expression of his love and
justice in the world. In the church, marriage can be fulfilled
and given its true value. Without the church, it is doomed
to be overcome by the dominating and destructive forces of
society.
Marriage is more than a bond
between husband and wife.
Only very few people in our day understand that marriage
contains a mystery far deeper than the bond of husband and
wife, that is, the eternal unity of Christ with his church. In
a true marriage, the unity of husband and wife will reflect
this deeper unity. It is not only a bond between one man
and one woman, because it is sealed by the greater bond
of unity with God and his people. This bond must always
come first. It is this bond we pledge at baptism and reaffirm
at every celebration of the Lord’s Supper, and we should
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remind ourselves of it at every wedding. Without it, even the
happiest marriage will bear no lasting fruit.
How little the marriage bond amounts to when it is only
a promise or contract between two people! How different
the state of the modern family would be if Christians
everywhere were willing to place loyalty to Christ and his
church above their marriages.
For those who have faith, Christ – the one who truly
unites – always stands between the lover and the beloved. It
is his Spirit that gives them unhindered access to one another.
Therefore, when sin enters a marriage and clouds the truth of
love, a faithful disciple will follow Jesus in the church, not
his or her wayward partner.
Emotional love will protest this because it is prone to
disregard the truth. It may even try to hinder the clear light
that comes from God. It is unable and unwilling to let go of
a relationship, even when it becomes false and ungenuine.
But true love never follows evil: it rejoices in the truth (1
Cor. 13:6). Both partners must recognize that unity of faith
is more important than the emotional bond of their marriage.
Each of us who claims to be a disciple must ask ourselves:
“If my first allegiance is not to Jesus and the church, who is
it to?” (Luke 9:57–60)
When the smaller unity of a married couple is placed
under the greater unity of the church, their marriage becomes
steadfast and secure on a new, deeper level because it is
placed within the unity of all believers. It is hardly surprising
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that this idea is foreign to most people, yet it contains a truth
I have witnessed time and again. Take the story of Harry and
Betty, an elderly couple I got to know well during their last
years together. In Betty’s words:
Harry and I were married in June 1937, in England. Though at
first we felt our marriage to be founded under God, it was not
long before our struggles began. Harry, who struggled with
homosexual inclinations all his life, became unfaithful to me,
and then left me. Several times he tried to set things straight,
but he never seemed to be able to break with the sin that bound
him. During our long years of separation, close friends stood
by him and me, and this was a great support.
When distressing letters came from Harry, I got discouraged,
and sometimes I gave up praying for him. But I always came
back to it, as it was the only thing I could do to help him. I
knew that with God everything is possible, and hoped that
someday Harry might be restored to Christ and the church…
Now I can never cease to marvel at what a miracle it
was that he returned to me in his old age. We had not been
together for over forty years. But I loved being with him
during the last years we shared; he was so different. He was
humble and straightforward and childlike. He came to love
my friends, and our neighbors, and they loved him. Harry and
I read the Bible and his favorite hymns together. He was very
close to Jesus in his final months.
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I think of him every day and will always treasure the time I
had with him. I think he was closer to the kingdom than I am.
I fail in love again and again and see too late things I could
have done. But God is faithful and keeps his promises. My
faith rests in this, and I have peace.
Betty was too modest to ever say it, but had it not been for
her constant prayer and her faithfulness to Jesus, Harry might
never have found his way back to God and to faith in Him, let
alone back to her. Their last two years together are a testament
to faith and to the healing power of uncompromising love.
What a contrast to today’s culture, where so many seem to
think that the more independently a marriage is built, the
firmer it is. Some even think that the more a couple can be
relieved of the “constraints” of obligation to each other, the
happier they will be. This is a completely false presumption.
Only when a marriage is founded in God’s order and on the
basis of his love can it last. A marriage is built on sand unless
it is built on the rock of faith.
Man and woman have different tasks,
and they must complement each other.
The belief that love to Christ and his church must take
priority over all else is also important for understanding the
difference between man and woman. Clearly God has given
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each of them different natures and tasks, and when these are
rightly fulfilled in a marriage in the church, harmony and
love will abound. My father, J. Heinrich Arnold, writes:
Obviously, there are differences in the biological makeup of
the male and the female. But it is completely materialistic to
think that the difference between man and woman is merely
biological. A woman longs to absorb her beloved one into
herself. She is designed by nature to receive and to endure;
to conceive, to bear, to nurse, and to protect. A man, on the
other hand, desires to enter his beloved one and become one
with her; he is made to initiate and penetrate rather than to
receive.15
It has been said that the body is shaped by the soul, and this
is a deep thought. The soul, the breath of God, the innermost
essence of each human being, forms a different body for
each. It is never a question of who is higher. Both man and
woman were made in the image of God, and what can be
greater than that? Yet there is a difference: Paul likens man
to Christ and woman to the church (Eph. 5:22–24). Man,
as Head, portrays the service of Christ. Woman, as Body,
portrays the dedication of the church. There is a difference
in calling, but there is no difference in worth.
Mary is a symbol of the church. In her we recognize the
true nature of womanhood and motherhood. Woman is like
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the church because she receives and carries the Word within
her (Luke 1:38) and brings life into the world in keeping
with God’s will. This is the highest thing that can be said of
a human being.
A woman’s love is different from a man’s. It is more
steady, more in keeping with her loyal nature. It is dedicated
to protecting and guiding all those in its care. Man’s love, on
the other hand, seeks others out and challenges them. It is
the pioneering love of the apostle, of Christ’s representative:
“Go out and gather! Teach all people. Submerge them in
the atmosphere of God, in the life of God the Father, the
Son, and the Holy Spirit” (Matt. 28:18–20). But man’s task,
like woman’s, is always bound together with the task of the
church.
Both Paul and Peter point out that man is the head of
woman, not in himself but in Christ (1 Cor. 11:3). This does
not mean that the man is “higher”; the fact that woman is
taken from man and man is born of woman shows that they
are dependent on each other in every respect (1 Cor. 11:11–
12). Again, the gifts and responsibilities of one are worth no
more than those of the other; they are simply different. In
the true order of marriage, both husband and wife will find
their rightful place, but neither will rule the other. Love and
humility will rule.
It belongs to the evil of our day that both men and women
avoid the responsibilities given them by God. Women rebel
against the inconvenience of pregnancy and the pain of birth,
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and men rebel against the burden of commitment to the
children they father and to the woman who bears them. Such
rebellion is a curse on our time. It will lead future generations
astray. Woman was designed by God to have children, and a
true man will respect and love his wife all the more because
of this. Peter admonishes us:
You husbands must conduct your married life with
understanding: pay honor to the woman’s body, not only
because it is weaker, but also because you share together in
the grace of God which gives you life. Then your prayers will
not be hindered (1 Pet. 3:7).
It is clear that the difference between man and woman is not
absolute. In a true woman there is courageous manliness,
and in a true man there is the submission and humility of
Mary. Yet because the man is the head, in a true marriage
he will give the lead, even if he is a very weak person. This
must not be taken as if man were an overlord and woman
his servant. If a man does not lead in love and humility – if
he does not lead in the spirit of Jesus – his headship will
become tyranny. The head has its place in the body, but it
does not dominate.
At weddings in our Bruderhof communities the bridegroom
is always asked if he is willing to lead his wife “in everything
that is good,” which simply means to lead her more deeply
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to Jesus. In the same way, the bride is asked if she is willing
to follow her husband. It is simply a matter of both of them
following Jesus together.
True leadership means loving service.
In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul points to the self-sacrificing
love that lies in true leadership: “Husbands, love your wives,
just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”
(Eph. 5:25). This task, the task of loving, is actually the task
of every man and woman, whether married or not.
When we take Paul’s words to heart, we will experience
the true inner unity of a relationship ruled by love – an inner
speaking of the heart to God from both partners together.
Only then will God’s blessing rest on our marriages. We will
constantly seek our beloved one anew and continually look
for ways to serve each other in love. Most wonderful of all,
we will find everlasting joy. As the church father Tertullian
writes:
Who can describe the happiness of a marriage contracted
in the presence of the church and sealed with its blessing?
What a sweet yoke it is which here joins two believing people
in one hope, one way of life, one vow of loyalty, and one
service to God! They are brother and sister, both busy in the
same service, with no separation of soul and body, but as two
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in one flesh. And where there is one flesh, there is one spirit
also. Together they pray, together they kneel down: the one
teaches the other, and bears with the other. They are joined
together in the church of God, joined at the Lord’s table,
joined in anxiety, persecution, and recovery. They vie with
each other in the service of their Lord. Christ sees and hears,
and joyfully does he send them his peace, for where two are
gathered together in his name, there is he in the midst of
them.16
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The Sacredness of Sex
Marriage should be honored by all, and the
marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the
adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
Hebrews 13:4
There are two dangers in sex: on the one hand, fear of
the self-surrender or closeness that a physical relationship
requires, and fear that sex is dirty and shameful; on the
other, unbridled lust and sin. Clearly, the sexual sphere is
not incorruptible. Even in marriage its potential blessings
become dangers if it is entered in isolation from God, who
created it. Instead of passion there is naked lust, instead of
tenderness there is aggression and even brutality, and instead
of mutual self-giving there is uncontrollable desire.
The church should never be silent about this (1 Cor. 5:1–
5). The spirit of impurity is always waiting to tempt us, and it
will slip into the sanctuary of marriage whenever we open the
door to it. Once impurity has entered a marriage, it becomes
more and more difficult to keep focused on God’s love, and
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easier and easier to bypass one another and succumb to evil
temptations.
We must never underestimate the power of the impure
spirits that drive people to do evil, even within marriage.
Once under their control, sex quickly loses its nobler qualities
and deteriorates into something cheap. What was created as a
wonderful gift from God becomes a sinister, life-destroying
experience. Only repentance can bring about healing and
restoration.
Through the marriage act,
an unparalleled uniting can take
place.
We can recognize the true nature of the sexual sphere most
clearly when we can see its sacredness as the fulfillment of
wedded love sanctioned by God. It is the same with the act of
sexual intercourse itself, the moment in which marital love
comes to its fullest physical expression. Because intercourse
is such a powerfully dramatic experience, it is vital that it be
anchored in God. If sex is not recognized as a gift from God
and subordinated to him, it can become an idol. Entered with
reverence, however, it “awakens that which is most intimate,
most sacred, most vulnerable in the human heart.”17
In a true marriage, sex is guided by more than the
desires of each partner: it is guided by the love that binds
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both partners together. When each partner gives himself in
complete surrender to the other, a uniting of unparalleled
depth takes place. It will not be just “physical love”; it will
be the expression and fulfillment of total love, an act of
unconditional giving and deep fulfillment.
It is a remarkable and wonderful experience to give oneself
physically to another person. Orgasm, the climax or peak of
physical uniting, is a powerful and shaking experience and
has a forceful effect on the spirit. Here, the experience of the
body is so forceful that it is difficult to distinguish it from
the experience of the spirit. In rhythmic harmony of heart
and body, two human beings reach the highest peak of the
joy of love. In total union, both are lifted out of their own
personalities and joined in the closest community possible.
At the moment of climax a person is, so to speak, swept
away – engulfed so completely that the sense of being an
independent person is momentarily submerged.
Physical union should always
express unity of heart and soul.
We can never have too much reverence for the marriage
act. Even if we reject prudishness, a feeling of reticence
will make us wary of speaking about it to others. Of course,
a man and woman united in marriage must be able to talk
openly with each other, even about the most intimate things.
But they will never do this without the reverence that springs
from their love for each other.
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It is of prime importance that a couple does not go to bed at
night without having turned first to Jesus. It is not necessary
to use many words; Jesus always knows what we mean and
what we need. We must not only thank him but also seek his
guidance – if we do not knock at his door, he cannot guide
us. The same, of course, is true at the start of the day.
If our marriage is grounded in Jesus and his love and
purity, we will find the right relationship to each other on
every level. Here we must heed Paul’s warning, “If you are
angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin; do not let the
sun go down on your anger, and do not give a foothold to the
devil” (Eph. 4:26–27). Prayer is crucial in reconciling the
differences that arise in the marriage relationship. To unite
physically when there is no unity of spirit is hypocrisy. It is
a desecration of the bond of love.
Physical uniting should always express the full uniting
of spirit and soul; it should never be a means of bodily
satisfaction alone. In Jesus, every physical act of love is
a mutual giving of self, a sign of resolve to live for one
another. It has nothing to do with power or the idea of sex as
conquest.
Anyone who uses his partner merely to satisfy himself
insults his own dignity and the dignity of his partner. He
is using sex for a selfish purpose. This is why the Bible
regards it as sin when a man withdraws from his wife before
climax and allows his semen to “fall on the earth” (Gen. 38:9–
10). Of course, if this happens against his will, prematurely,
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or in a dream, then it is not a sin. For the same reason, oral
and anal intercourse are also sinful. Because they are driven
only by the selfish desire for sexual excitement, these forms
of sex are in reality forms of mutual masturbation.
True sexual fulfillment is found
in mutual submission.
Sexual desire may be relatively dormant in a newly married
couple, especially when neither partner has engaged in
premarital sex or been addicted to masturbation. In fact, a
husband may even need to awaken the urge for intercourse
in his bride. Because this may take time, he should be very
patient and initiate sexual union only when his wife is ready.
For a virgin, the first intercourse can be painful and may
cause minor bleeding. This is no cause for alarm, yet a
husband should be aware of his wife’s discomfort.
A true husband will have enough love for his wife to
consider her state of readiness and not hurry intercourse
because of his own impatience. Because he is concerned not
merely with his own satisfaction, he will be sensitive to the
fact that often more time is needed for a woman to reach
climax than for a man, and after intercourse, he will not go
happily to sleep while his wife lies awake with feelings of
deep disappointment or frustration.
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The sexual happiness of a woman is often more dependent
than a man’s on the accompanying circumstances of their
union; on the unity she feels between herself and her husband,
and in little acts of kindness or affectionate words. It does
not consist only in the climax. Simply being together with
her beloved may give her the deepest sense of fulfillment.
A couple should not be afraid to prepare one another for
physical union. Loving stimulation is a strong affirmation
of mutual unity, and in addition to increasing readiness,
it nurtures confidence and envelops a couple with a
feeling of security. Both husband and wife must learn
what pleases and stimulates their partner. Writing about
women, for instance, von Gagern says, “There are areas
of the body that are especially responsive to fondling –
the mouth, the breasts, under the arms, the spine – but a
couple’s own unique love for each other will continually
guide them anew.”18
As self-discipline, abstinence
can deepen a couple’s love.
Physically, intercourse is always possible, but a husband
should be ready to abstain for the sake of his wife’s health,
especially before and after she gives birth. As a marriage
counselor I have always recommended abstinence during
menstruation and for at least six weeks before the birth of
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a child. I also recommend that couples abstain as long as
they are able after a birth, so that the mother can recover
both physically and emotionally. Because every couple is
different, it is hard to suggest a time frame; the important
thing is consideration. If a husband is truly considerate of his
wife, he will be willing to discipline himself by abstaining as
long as possible (1 Thess. 4:3–5). In such times of abstinence,
out of love for her husband, the woman must be careful not
to arouse him sexually.
Naturally, the love between man and wife – between two
who live together, sleep together, and belong together – will
make it much harder for them to abstain than for a single
person. All the more, they must be on guard against coming
close to one another in a sexual way and then avoiding
intercourse.
One unfounded but prevalent idea is that abstinence must
be fundamentally negative or frustrating. If born out of love,
it can actually create a deeper, more enriching relationship. It
can even have a healing affect. John Kippley, the director of
a national ministry to couples, tells how a woman he knows
who was abused by her father experienced healing through
her husband’s consideration of her needs. “Because of his
restraint,” she told John, “I was able to discover for the first
time that I was more than my body. I could be loved without
having to perform sexually. I had true value as a person, not
just as an object of satisfaction.”
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As a woman approaches middle-age, it is not unusual for
her joy or interest in sexual intercourse to diminish. This can
be hard for the man, yet he must see that his love for his
wife does not decrease. Wives, for their part, should give
themselves in love to their husbands as they are able, even
if their joy in doing so is not the same as it was in earlier
years (1 Cor. 7:3–4). Otherwise a husband may be tempted
to seek other outlets for his sexual impulses. The main thing
is that there is always unity of spirit and soul before physical
uniting and that, when abstinence is necessary, it does not
become an occasion for love to grow cold. Paul writes:
Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a
time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come
together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of
your lack of self-control (1 Cor. 7:5).
Abstinence, then, may be best approached with fasting and
prayer – as a self-discipline. When willingly accepted in this
way, it can unite a couple more deeply than ever.
In the end, everything in a marriage depends on the
commitment of both partners to Jesus and on their willingness
to follow his leading. Couples should remember that it was
God who joined them together, and only he can keep them
together, especially in difficult times. Jesus says, “Whoever
loses his life will gain it” (Luke 9:24). The same is true in
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Christian marriage: insofar as both partners are willing to
surrender themselves again and again to each other and
to Christ, they will find the true fulfillment of unity and
freedom.
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Parenthood and
the Gift of Children
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this
is right. “Honor your father and mother so that
it may go well with you and so that you may
enjoy long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not
exasperate your children; instead, bring them
up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:1–4
We live in a world where the structure of family life is
undergoing profound changes, in rich and poor countries
alike. The concept of family as a stable, cohesive unit is
fast becoming outdated. We are even afraid to define what a
family is because we do not want to offend anyone.
For years, psychologists have warned of the effects of
broken marriages, teen pregnancies, violent homes, and other
social ills, but their warnings have been given in vain. Now
we are reaping a bitter harvest. All this makes it more urgent
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than ever for us to rediscover God’s original intent in creating
man and woman, and in blessing them with children.19
Having children today requires
courage.
Modern society despises the family. It is difficult for a family
with several children to find a house, and in many places
it is impossible to rent an apartment, even if there is only
one child. Children are simply not wanted. Many people
think it regrettable to leave jobs or other pursuits to have
children, and they often look down on women who choose
to stay at home to raise children instead of pursuing a more
“acceptable” career.
Having children in these times certainly takes great
courage, but that is what faith means: not knowing what lies
ahead, and yet still trusting that God has his hand over all
things and will have the final say. More than ever, parents
need to trust God. The health of a society (and the health
of any church or movement within society) depends on the
strength of its marriages. Where there is reverence for God,
there are strong and stable families, but as soon as this is
lost, there is rapid disintegration and decline.
Those who know what it means to see a child smile for
the first time, to love him or her, and to feel love in return
know something of the greatness of God and the nearness of
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eternity in each child. They know that their child is like no
other, and that no child could replace this one in their hearts.
They will also realize what an awe-inspiring responsibility it
is to bring a child into the world – a responsibility that only
grows with the child – and will sense that they are too weak
and sinful to bring up even one child in their own strength.
But our recognition of inadequacy should not lead us to
despair. It should make us realize how dependent we are on
grace. Only the adult who stands like a child before the grace
of God is fit to raise a child.
On what basis should a family be
built?
If we think of starting a family, our first question should be:
on what foundation? Complete dedication to Christ and his
church is the only dependable foundation. On him alone can
we build a rich and fulfilled family life that will withstand
the forces that attack it from outside.
It is the task of every couple to bring up their children on
God’s behalf, to represent the creator. For the small child
especially, father and mother stand for God. That is why
the commandment to honor father and mother is so vital to
the upbringing of every child from the start. Without it, the
commandment to honor God has no real meaning. Actually,
every child has an instinctive longing for the security of
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father, mother, and God. It is terrible, then, when parents do
not fulfill this longing, when they see parenting merely as a
role and are not truly fathers or mothers. Children will sense
such hypocrisy wherever it occurs, and they will become
resentful, bitter, and rebellious as they grow older.
The same is true if a couple lives in dissension – if a
woman does not support her husband’s task as head of the
family, for example, or if a man does not love and honor
his wife. When children cannot find a picture of God in
their parents, they have trouble finding a secure and healthy
foundation for their later lives. They may even experience
emotional difficulties.
Recently I counseled a family I have known since their
four children were very young. The parents had all the right
intentions, yet they were divided over whose role it was to
lead the family. While visitors and outsiders were presented
with a peaceful enough picture, within the family tensions
and rivalry developed. As their children grew up, the parents
were too disunited to lead them properly, and thereby set a
poor example for them to follow.
Now their children are adults. They are all lovable, bright,
and talented, yet they are floundering. Because their parents
never dealt with the elements of mistrust and disunity in
their marriage, these young adults now find it very hard to
trust anyone. Like their parents, it is difficult for them to be
sincere and honest with themselves, and they always need
to feel in control. Sadly, they don’t realize how this cuts
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them off from other people, and they have become lonely
and disillusioned. Worst of all, they are wholly unrealistic
in their expectations and seem to think the world owes them
success.
It is of greatest importance that from the first day of a
child’s life he or she is surrounded by love and by reverence
for God. To the same degree that children experience the
love their parents have for each other, they will find the inner
security they need in order to develop and grow.
In questions of discipline, it is best if a husband and wife
are fully agreed as to what they expect in terms of behavior.
Children should not have to decide which parent is right.
Their position should be one of trust, not judgment. They
look for consistent boundaries and for the security that
comes from unity, love, and mutual respect. These things are
the basis of true love for children.
Children need living examples,
not religious words.
The first five years of a child’s life are formative, and therefore
the best time for parents to bring Jesus and the gospel alive to
their children. This can be done quite simply by telling them
about Jesus’ birth, death, and resurrection. All these things
can move the hearts of children at a surprisingly young age
and awaken in them a love for God and for Jesus.
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We cannot bring our children to Jesus, however, if he is
only a figure in our Bibles. Children will always want to
come to Jesus, but they will instinctively rebel against false
piety. As Blumhardt once put it, “If we try to drag children
into the kingdom by means of our religiosity, they will flee
from our pious homes as fast as they are able.”20 Therefore we
should be careful not to put our children under any religious
pressure or plague them with talk about sins they can neither
understand nor commit. We want them to have a childlike
attitude toward God, toward Jesus, and toward the Bible. It
is of no use, for instance, to make children learn even the
shortest passages of Scripture if God does not speak directly
into their little hearts. Rather than try to “teach” children
faith, it is much better for their parents to live their faith by
example in a spontaneous, genuine way. When our children
see that we, their parents, rely on God for everything – when
they see us thank him and obey his commands – they will
feel an inner urge to pray and to follow him of their own
accord.
Our task is to guide our children,
not control them.
Raising children requires daily discipline, but we should
never forget that caring for them in God’s stead means
guiding, not controlling, them. Children must be encouraged
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to overcome themselves and look beyond their little worlds
from a very early age, and they must learn to love and respect
others. They cannot be left to swing with every mood and
follow every selfish whim without restraint. Clear directions
and consistent boundaries are always necessary. In fact,
discipline is the greatest love we can show them (Heb.
12:10–11). But it is never loving to coerce or crush them.
We must remember that every child is a thought of God
(Ps. 139:13–17) and try to understand why it is said that “a
little child will lead them” (Isa. 11:6). In guiding our children,
we cannot and should not try to shape them according to
our own intentions or plans. We should not force on them
anything that has not been born into them, awakened from
within, or given them by God. God has a specific intent for
each child; he has a plan for every one, and he will hold to
it. Our task is to help each child find God’s purpose for him
and fulfill it.
Carrying out this task means continually exercising selfdenial
in our own human efforts to lead a child. Sometimes,
it may mean refraining from tearing children away from their
own thoughts. Blumhardt notes how quickly we hurt our
relationship with children when we interrupt their thoughts
and happy disposition and attempt to influence them by
our ideas or advice: “When left undisturbed,
children learn
obedience and respect best of all.”21
Naturally, we must be on guard against permissiveness.
Flabbiness is often a fruit of an unhealthy emotionalism
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between parent and child. It inhibits the childlike spirit
because it subjects the child to the spinelessness of an adult
who has lost the clarity of Christ. We must always watch that
our children are free from such false ties.
True authority strengthens
and stimulates a child.
Children must never feel ill-used if spoken to or admonished
sharply. They need to learn to take themselves in hand and
face up to what has happened when they are shown to be in the
wrong. They should not give half-answers that could mean
this or that. Yet even if a certain sharpness toward children
is healthy, impatience is not, especially when it results in
corporal punishment. That, Eberhard Arnold writes, is a
“declaration of bankruptcy.”
We reject both the harshness of physical punishment and
the power of manipulation: both are forms of authoritarianism
that fail to take the child seriously as a bearer of God’s image.
The one fails in mercy, and the other in honesty. Both fail
in love. True authority stimulates and strengthens what is
good in each child by leading him to make his own decisions
between right and wrong. Only when we lead children by
trusting them and loving them will they feel the desire to
struggle against the evil that tries to work in them and in
each of us.
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I thank God that I had a father who could be very strict
with us children when necessary. Like any child, I rebelled
at times against his strictness, but I always knew it was a
sign of his love for me. From early childhood on, our parents
instilled in us children the value of the fifth commandment,
to honor father and mother. We knew that if we did not love
and honor them, we were actually dishonoring God.
As for my mother, my father insisted that we children show
her respect. He would not tolerate disobedience to her. Only
in later years did I realize his wisdom. It is the father’s task
to uphold respect toward the mother, since she carries the
weightier burden in raising their children, especially when
they are small and sick.
Though my father could be stern, I never once felt
threatened by him. Whenever he reprimanded me for doing
something wrong, I could count on his complete forgiveness
and love once I had accepted my responsibility and wanted
to make amends. I knew that the wrong I had done would be
forgotten, and that I would be able to make a fresh start.
My father showed me the significance of loving authority,
an authority that only God can give. In each child’s heart is
a longing to hear a “no” when a “no” is needed, and a desire
to set things right when he knows he has done something
wrong. True parental authority gives inner security to a
child, because it provides the child with the stability of set
boundaries.
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Most fathers and mothers do not intentionally mislead their
children, and when they do mislead them without meaning
to, they are no less likely to suffer the consequences than
their children. Some parents are confident about their childrearing
abilities, and others are not, but there are times when
both will throw up hands. When this is the case, it is vital
that they find the humility to ask someone for help – whether
a close friend, relative, a teacher, or a trusted pastor or
family counselor. Of course, such help must be enlisted in
such a way that it reassures the child in question – and not
at the expense of a relationship with him or her. It is vital
to remember that even the best expert assistance may, at
the end of the day, be a hindrance – not a help. I say this
because ultimately, “successful” parenting is not a matter of
capability or wisdom, but of grace. My father writes in this
regard:
Christ calls us to become like children, and this means we
must drop everything and become completely dependent on
God and on one another. If we as parents love God with all
our heart and soul, our children will have the right reverence
for us, and we will also have reverence for our children and
for the wonderful mystery of becoming and being a child.
Reverence for the spirit that moves between parent and child
is the basic element of a happy family life.22
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The Purity
of Childhood
Whoever becomes humble like this child is the
greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever
welcomes one such child in my name welcomes
me. If any of you put a stumbling block before
one of these little ones who believes in me, it
would be better for you if a great millstone
were fastened around your neck and you were
drowned in the depth of the sea.
Matthew 18:4–6
Jesus’ words tell us what great value the soul of a little child
has in the eyes of God. Spiritually, every child is close to
the throne of God, to the heart of God, and every child has
a guardian angel who “always sees the face of the Father in
heaven” (Matt. 18:10).
When a baby comes into the world it is as though he or she
brings the pure air of heaven along. At every birth we feel
that something of God is born, that something of eternity has
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come down to us. The innocence of a child is an enormous
blessing.
The childlike spirit must be
protected – but also nurtured.
In spite of the innocence of every child, however, there is
also an inclination to sin in each one (Prov. 22:15). That is
why it is such a terrible sin to lead a child astray. Children
are corrupted not only by intentionally misleading them
to sin, but by exposing them to anything that violates the
atmosphere of innocence around them and deprives them of
their childlikeness. So many of the images to which children
are exposed today – at home on television, at shopping
malls, and at school – are created by adults obsessed with
sex, violence, power, and money. Is it any wonder that they
lose their childlike spirit and childhood itself while they are
still children?
The best thing we can do for our children is to see that
the whole atmosphere in which they live is filled with the
spirit of purity and ruled by love. The inner education of
children – the task of leading them to respect and to love
God, their parents, their teachers, and everyone around
them – is a holy privilege. Here it is of utmost importance
that we pray for God’s spirit to arouse our children’s wills
for what is pure, genuine, and good. Guiding children to do
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what is good is far more important than teaching them to
recite verses or to say prayers which may not come from
the heart. That is why my church avoids formal religious
instruction as such. We feel that children can learn to love
God best through simple songs and through stories from the
Bible, and through the daily example of adults around them
who love each other.
In leading children to Jesus it is important that we ourselves
have a childlike attitude toward his commandments and
sayings, toward the angel-world, and toward the Bible as
a whole. How very quickly and simply children take these
things into their hearts!
We can also bring our children to God through the world
around them, by helping them to sense him in all they see – in
sun, moon, and stars; birds and animals; trees and flowers;
mountains and thunderstorms. Every child wants to live in
nature and with nature, and in every child there is a love
for the earth, a joy in the starry sky, and a warm fondness
for everything living. To a child, the world of God and his
angels is often much closer and more real than we suspect.
Through nature and through the Bible, children will
encounter suffering and death at an early age. While it is
important for us to teach them to have a heart for those
who suffer, it is equally important not to burden or frighten
them. In general, too many facts about the cycle of life – of
reproduction, birth, and death – can harm a child’s inner
experience of God’s world. Birth and death are mysteries
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that can only be understood in relationship to God, and there
is danger of irreverence in saying to much.
In this respect, we need to have a greater awe and reverence
for pregnancy and childbirth. It is not without reason that
Jesus compares the end times and the coming of a new
world with a mother in labor, and the tremendous joy of the
new life after all the pain and agony. Whenever a couple is
expecting a child, a deep mystery is present. We can do great
inward harm whenever we joke about pregnancy or draw too
much attention to it. A quiet, humble anticipation will instill
a natural reverence in children for God’s gift of new life.
Concerning sex, especially, it is simply not necessary for
a child or even an adolescent to know everything. It is all
too easy to destroy our children’s sense of the sacredness
and mystery of life with too much discussion and exposure.
Today as never before, parents must be alert to the insidious
dangers of our sex-crazed culture, which can all too easily
infiltrate our homes – through what we and our children see,
hear, and read.
I am not in any way suggesting that children be brought up
ignorant of the basic facts of life. I only mean that these things
should never be separated from the world of God. The main
thing is that we do not disturb the purity of childhood – the
natural relationship of every child to his or her creator.
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Education means rousing a child
to choose right over wrong.
To protect the purity of children means to win them for the
good. It is wrong to suppose that a child is not tempted to
evil. As parents we must always be ready to fight evil in
our children, whether it takes the form of lying, stealing,
disrespect, or sexual impurity. But we must do this without
too many rules (Col. 2:20–22). Moralism, which always
involves suspicion and mistrust, ruins the childlike spirit.
Obedience is never enough. Compliance alone does not build
a child’s character. On the one hand, children cannot be left
unprotected to fall prey to whatever evil comes their way. On
the other hand, we should not discourage them by constantly
haranguing them about their faults. True education does not
mean molding or squelching a child with constant criticism.
It means rousing him or her to choose right over wrong.
Even from a very early age, we must be careful not to
spoil our children. Spoiling leads to selfishness, lack of selfcontrol,
and deep discontent; in other words, it leads to sin.
Parents who spoil their children often confuse love with
emotionalism. They think they will win their children by
clinging to them, but in actual fact they only hinder them from
developing into healthy, independent beings. To treat one’s
children as one’s emotional property is to lack reverence for
them as images of God in their own right.
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Among older children, disrespect toward peers, educators,
and parents is not uncommon. Disrespect shows itself in
many ways. Among boys it may take the form of machismo
(which is mostly a cover-up for cowardice, and is only
displayed when others are present) or a lack of consideration
for others, or irreverent or destructive behavior. Singing
may be despised as effeminate, signs of affection to babies
may be scoffed at, and everything religious or moral is apt
to be mocked. Among girls disrespect often shows itself in
cruel gossip or backbiting, secrecy, and over-sensitivity to
criticism.
Because children who demonstrate such tendencies are
insecure, they are susceptible to peer pressure and will
often turn to the support of a clique. Parents and teachers
need to be alert to this, because the exclusive nature of even
the friendliest clique is never healthy. The best antidote to
cliquishness is positive guidance, care, and genuine interest
in each child.
Every child instinctively longs
for a good conscience.
The question of sexual impurity in children needs special
sensitivity and discernment. My father writes:
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How to fight against sin in children is a very difficult question.
If there are indecencies, for example, which mostly begin with
children exposing themselves to each other and sometimes
touching each other, the child will feel instinctively that this is
not right. These indecencies almost always involve lying. We
must be careful not to make too much of such things among
children. It may only draw their attention to the sexual area all
the more. The best thing, perhaps, is to admonish them and so
close the matter, and then help them to think of other things.
We grown-ups too easily forget that many things do not
mean the same to a child as they do to us, and we must
never project our ideas and feelings and experiences onto a
child’s mind (Titus 1:15). We must also never forget that it
is in a certain way natural for children to go through periods
of sexual curiosity. This cannot be mistaken for sin. But we
should lead our children in such a way that their souls remain
pure and innocent. Too much questioning can harm a child,
because through fear he or she may become more and more
entangled in lies.
It is a great injustice to label children or adolescents,
especially those who have offended in the sexual area. In our
assessment of childish offenses, we should beware of coming
too quickly to harsh conclusions about a child’s character or
future development. Rather, we should help him or her to find
new interests and to make a joyful new beginning.
We know that we can find the way to the heart of any
child by appealing to the conscience. Every child has an
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instinctive, heartfelt longing for a pure conscience, and we
should support this longing so that he or she does not suffer
from a burdened conscience.
There is a certain point at which children are no longer
children in the true sense of the word. The moment they
sin consciously, they cease to be children. It is then the task
of parents and teachers to help them find repentance, the
experience of Jesus on the cross, and a conversion that leads
to the forgiveness of sins. Through the cross a lost childhood
can be restored.23
Purity, like impurity,
is learned by example.
For parents, the importance of seeking a relationship of
trust with their children from earliest childhood cannot be
emphasized enough. We cannot wait for problems that may
only arise around the age of five or six. If we do not build
relationships with our children while they are still young, we
may never gain the trust and respect necessary to solve the
more serious problems that will come with adolescence.
The years between thirteen and twenty-one are especially
crucial, of course, since it is during these years that children
become increasingly aware of their sexuality. How easy it is
for parents – and whole churches – to turn a blind eye to the
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teenagers right in front of them and to fail them miserably
simply by ignoring them. How different our American high
schools would be if parents took time for their teenagers!
Plenty of parents warn them about alcohol, drugs, and sexual
experimentation, but how many take time on a regular basis
to guide their children’s interests and encourage them to use
their time creatively, to do more than watch the latest videos
or hang out at the mall? Committed parents will remain in
close contact with their children throughout the ups and
downs of adolescence. Fathers will be not only fathers to
their children – they will be comrades and friends as well;
mothers will be the same.
Young people always need someone to confide in. Whether
it is a parent, pastor, counselor, or friend, there must be
someone they trust with whom they can freely share their
joys or struggles, and with whom they can talk openly about
sex without shame or embarrassment.
Today’s teenagers are simply presented with too many
options. Our culture believes variety is the key to freedom;
but far from it, it may be the key to confusion. Too few
people are willing to warn teenagers of the painful emotional
scars that follow on the heels of uncommitted sexual activity.
There are even fewer who are able to point them to the hope
of forgiveness after they have failed.
For this reason, trusted role models are especially needed.
Children spend more time than ever on their own; across
the social spectrum, latchkey kids are increasingly common.
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It is no accident that today’s children have been dubbed by
some experts as “Generation Alone,” or that studies assign
words like “abandoned,” “alienated,” and “alone” to describe
them.
Lest we forget, purity, like impurity, is learned first and
foremost by example (Titus 2:6–8). Children need to see
that the love between their parents is indissoluble, and to
know that certain looks, touches, and words of affection are
appropriate only between a married man and woman. They
need to see that physical intimacy belongs to marriage alone
and that experimentation of any sort beforehand will only
stain a later marriage. They certainly need to be spared the
confusion and pain of broken relationships and sexual sin in
or among adults around them.
That is why it is so important that the church has a central
place in family life. Children must be able to see living
examples of purity not only in their parents, but in everyone
around them, whether married or single.
The best safeguard against sin is love.
Purity can never be fostered in a vacuum. Our children and
youth need to gain a heart for Jesus and his cause of peace
and social justice. When their hearts are filled with God and
inspired for his cause, they will instinctively react against
evil. When we lead them to recognize the needs of others, they
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will long to reach out in love. The idea that children have no
social conscience, no feeling for the suffering, injustice, and
guilt of our world is simply not true – this can only happen if
they are brought up in an artificial environment that revolves
around their own comfort and pleasure. When genuine
children come face to face with the need of others, or when
they see others reaching out to the needy, they will have an
inner urge to extend their own love in practical ways.
The best safeguard against sin is always love. Love
binds together all the virtues in perfect unity (Col. 3:14).
Love is the message we need to bring to our children
and youth, most importantly by demonstrating love in
everything we ourselves say and do. So many young people
today live for themselves and for their own interests.
They work hard to get good grades, to excel in sports, to
win the recognition earned by a scholarship – all of which
is commendable. But how many of them care about their
neighbors or the need of the world around them? We need
to challenge and stretch our youth to interact with others,
especially with others of different faiths and backgrounds.
Often parents try to protect their teenagers by anxiously
shielding them from situations of impurity or violence,
especially at high school or in college. Yet perhaps what they
really need is the opposite: the opportunity to stand on their
own feet and witness to what they themselves – not just their
parents – believe.
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Our children need to reach out and learn what others of
their time are thinking and feeling. They need to relate to
their peers and to the burning social, political, and economic
issues of their day. They need to have a heart for the despair
of those who have turned to drugs and alcohol, and for those
who suffer from abusive relationships in the home. Without
the ability to understand and relate to others outside their
sphere, they will have no real connection to the world around
them and will never be given the opportunity to test their
own convictions.
We will never raise perfect children, but we firmly believe
that it is possible to raise children who will respond to our
guidance and discipline, in spite of the terrible corruption
and darkness of our age (Prov. 22:6). As long as we are able
to maintain a relationship of mutual respect and reverence,
we will find the way forward with our children. It will cost
a fight, sometimes a serious one, yet for the sake of a child’s
soul, a battle is always worthwhile. Naturally, our children
may grow up to choose a path of life different from that
which we would have chosen for them. But if we pray to
Jesus for his guidance every day, we can be confident that he
will lead us and them.
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For Those
Considering Marriage
Train yourself to be godly. For physical
training is of some value, but godliness has
value for all things, holding promise for both
the present life and the life to come…Don’t let
anyone look down on you because you are
young, but set an example in speech, in life, in
love, in faith, and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:8,12
It is shocking how casually, and with what selfishness
and naiveté, young men and women today plunge into
relationships and even into marriage. Yet how should young
people handle the natural attractions and friendships that
develop between them? What is the godly approach? How can
young men and women stay clear of the superficial eroticism
of our time and find truly free and natural relationships? And
how can they best prepare themselves for the responsibilities
and demands of marriage?
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Conventional dating cheapens
the meaning of commitment.
We should rejoice when there are friendships between
young men and women, and when there are opportunities
for positive mutual exchanges in their daily lives. To
have fear of what might go wrong among them is often
unwarranted, and a sign of mistrust. Young people need
opportunities to relate to each other in group settings where
they can work, share, sing, or relax together. To pair off
or form exclusive relationships is unhealthy and out of
place: in the church, young men and women should get to
know each other first as brothers and sisters. They must have
the freedom to be seen together without being subjected to
all sorts of gossip or speculation about their friendship. The
pressure caused by such talk inhibits freedom. It skews and
undermines everything that is good in a relationship.
It is typical of the immaturity of a young person to “fall
in love” first with one and then with another, like a bee
going from flower to flower. It is only natural to want to
search for “the right one”; but the church cannot tolerate the
continual forming and then dissolving of new relationships.
The casual attitude of a young man or woman who flits from
one boyfriend or girlfriend to the next is never right. It dulls
the conscience and cheapens the meaning of commitment.
The waves of emotional attraction that accompany every
friendship between a boy and a girl are perfectly normal, but
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if they are not placed under Christ, they can leave wounds
that may last a lifetime.
Because of this, my church rejects conventional dating. For
the most part, dating in our society has become a game – a
ritual of pairing off with a boyfriend or a girlfriend on the
basis of physical and emotional attraction. It is built on a
false understanding of friendship and often has little to do
with genuine love or faithfulness. In many instances, dating
is centered on an unhealthy preoccupation with personal
“image.” And when it involves physical or sexual intimacy,
it can leave a conscience so heavily burdened that it takes
years to heal.
Vanity and superficiality go hand in hand with conventional
dating. So does flirting – drawing attention to oneself so as to
sexually attract another person. Flirting demonstrates inner
insecurity and unhappiness, and it is an insult to God.
In recent years more and more parents and churches
are seeking alternatives to conventional dating. Some, for
instance, are reviving the “old-fashioned” practice of courtship,
which emphasizes mentoring, familial involvement,
and character-enriching activities. Statistics also show that
dating on college campuses is on the decline. Many college
coeds now prefer to travel in “unpartnered packs,” where
group activity and personal accountability are stressed. These
are indeed encouraging signs and they should encourage
parents, pastors, and church leaders to become even more
active and involved.
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Mutual feelings are not sufficient
for building a lasting relationship.
How should a young man or woman find the right partner?
For a Christian the decisive factor should always be unity of
heart and soul in the Spirit. Both partners must feel that their
relationship leads them closer to Jesus, for his will alone
can bring together two people who are meant for each other.
Without Jesus and the special unity he gives between two
people, a couple will very likely not survive the storms and
struggles that are a part of every marriage, especially once
they have children.
Even when a young couple is sure that they want to enter
a more committed relationship, through engagement, for
instance, they should test their love for a time to see whether
it is merely the straw fire of romantic attraction, or whether
there is something deeper. Again, physical and emotional
attractions are natural, but they do not provide sufficient
ground on which to marry or found a family, and can never be
the deciding factors in making a commitment. A relationship
based only on these is a shallow one, and eventually it will
go to pieces. The real question should always be, “What
does God want for our life and future together?” His will is
the surest basis.
All of us have heard the saying, “It’s what’s on the inside
that counts,” but whether we truly believe it is another
matter. Consciously or subconsciously, we have all judged
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other people on the basis of their physical appearance. In a
culture where it is normal to hear someone say, “She’s a very
attractive young lady,” or, “He’s the good-looking one,” and
so on, it never hurts to think about the subtle message we are
sending to those who are not described in this way.
The issue of judging people by their looks, or “lookism,”
is especially important for young couples considering
marriage. A young woman may single out the most handsome
guy around; or a young man, the prettiest girl in the bunch.
But what about their relationship ten or twenty years down
the road? Will they still love each other when he goes bald,
when she gets wrinkles or gains weight? Certainly physical
attraction is a part of every relationship, but it can never be
the basis for a life-long commitment of loyalty and love. As
Isaiah put it, “All flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the
flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades…”
(Isa. 40: 6–7).
It is not easy to see with the eyes of the heart, particularly
when we are young. Yet we must ask God to give us this
special sight. If we open our hearts to his wisdom, we will
see beauty in every person we meet, and love each one as a
fellow being created in the image of God.
I have known Rose ever since she was a young girl. As
an adult, she met and fell in love with Tom. Tom is severely
crippled by cerebral palsy and has spent his entire life in
a wheelchair; all the same they married and now have two
lovely children. To Rose, Tom is the most wonderful man in
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the world. Others may see only his disabilities, but Rose sees
the beauty of his soul.
Victor and Hilda, a British-born couple from my
community, lived into their nineties. Married in their
twenties, they remained deeply in love to the end. Hilda was
not beautiful in the worldly sense: by her seventies she was
severely stooped, and a nervous twitch disfigured the right
side of her face. Yet to Victor, she was always “my princess.”
Their love was grounded in something far deeper than
appearance.
During the thirty years I have spent counseling young
couples, many have shared their joys and struggles with
me, but I am still touched every time a young person turns
to me in trust. Not long ago a young woman wrote to my
wife to tell her about her deepening friendship with a young
man. Kate and Andy are both members of our church and
participate in our youth group. They are not special people,
but as their relationship continues to develop, a special gift is
being given to them – a firm footing for their shared seeking.
Kate writes:
From the start this has been an intensely inner experience,
and we have grown very close, especially through reading
the Bible and praying together. I would say, though, that the
biggest struggle has been to give up our romantic, emotional
idea of love, because it really has so little place. Occasionally
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our conversation has gotten on the level of human attractions,
and the effect of that is devastating because it undermines what
we have experienced together on an inner, spiritual level…But
when we keep God at the center, we find each other’s hearts
much more deeply.
As we learn to know each other better, and know each
other’s day-to-day struggles and failings, we are also able to
admonish and encourage each other. As a result, we both feel
closer to God. More and more clearly I see how a relationship
is not established once for all, but that it must be built on a
daily basis – brick by brick – and with a faith that is constant.
I am so thankful for the time Andy and I are sharing together,
so that we can really establish a firm foundation. And I am
also grateful that it has not all been smooth sailing, because
nothing worthwhile comes without a struggle.
Andy and Kate’s story is encouraging: even in our time it is
still possible for young people to take their relationship to
each other so seriously that they seek to find God above all
else. In this connection we should remember Jesus’ words,
“Seek first the kingdom of God, and then everything will be
added unto you.”
If faith is the only firm foundation for Christian marriage,
it follows that each partner must make a commitment to
Christ and the church before making a commitment to each
other. Here the importance of baptism cannot be emphasized
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enough. As a confession of repentance for sin and as the
covenant of a clear conscience with God, baptism is one of
the greatest gifts a person can experience. I would even say
that without it, there is no secure foundation for a Christian
marriage.
Of course, no one should be baptized for the sake of
husband, wife, or children (Luke 14:26). Nor should the desire
for baptism be mixed with feelings of desire for a potential
marriage partner. If baptism is to have real meaning, it must
be the seal of deep repentance, conversion, and faith.
A healthy relationship needs time and
care.
Jesus says that we cannot serve two masters (Matt. 6:24).
He teaches us that when we trust God alone, and trust him
completely, he will provide for all our needs, including the
need for a partner. “Seek first the kingdom of God and his
righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as
well” (Matt. 6:33). This advice is important not only for those
who might be preoccupied with the question of marriage in
an unhealthy way, but for all of us.
I would never expect a young person to give up marriage
like the Apostle Paul did; the call to celibacy must be felt
from within. But unless marriage is God’s will (and this
is often difficult to discern), every one of us should be willing
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to give it up (Phil. 3:8). When the light of Jesus breaks into
our life, we will find strength to surrender to him so radically
that everything will find its true proportion.
Contrary to the widely accepted belief that the healthiest
relationship is the most private one, we feel that engagement
and marriage are concerns of the whole church, not just of
the individuals involved. Therefore, when young men and
women in my church feel drawn to one another, I advise them
to turn first to their parents, and then to a pastor. From this
moment on their relationship is placed under the care of the
church. Our youth do not regard this step as an imposition,
nor do they feel they are being chaperoned. On the contrary,
they are grateful for the possibility of guidance in an area
where immaturity and impurity bring misery to many.
Naturally, this approach will only work in a congregation
ruled by love and trust, and every couple must decide how
it applies to their situation. For some, it may be hard to
understand the purpose of seeking guidance. Others may
shy away from the idea completely. Yet the simple lesson of
opening up to people one trusts deserves serious attention.
Ray and his fiancée, Helen, met at our church afew years
ago. Below, Ray shares their story:
Saturday nights, when I wasn’t working late at Armani
Exchange, I’d go clubbing with a handful of friends. Or
maybe head for Third Street in Santa Monica, or just drive
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down to the pier and hang out. The scene rarely changed. Only
the girls. Nothing serious, never anything “going on” – just
someone to split the tab on a few rounds or hit the dance floor
with. Sometimes I’d meet someone I thought was special,
someone I wanted to see more of. We’d trade numbers, and
maybe arrange for the dinner-and-movie thing. It was all so
harmless, so effortless.
At least that’s how I viewed it then, nearly three years ago,
before I got to know Helen.
Both of us grew up in the same church. We met as teenagers,
but though we both had feelings for each other, we did not
disclose these. After high school, we moved apart. She headed
for college, and landed a teaching job; I left for “the world.”
But after a six-month stint as a volunteer overseas, a couple
semesters of college on the East Coast, and a year spent running
around Southern California, the nagging sensation that my
life was a farce finally cornered me. I had to admit what I
had tried to deny for so long – that an intense emptiness and
listlessness was masquerading behind my party-hard attitude.
My lifestyle did nothing to satisfy my desire for wholeness.
My encounters with others, particularly with women, were at
best superficial. Often, they were damaging.
For the first time in my life I realized how much I needed
the healing power that Christ alone can give. I knew I could
not find this on my own, that I needed the support of others I
could trust, so I returned home to my parents. Convinced that
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I wanted God to be the center of my life, I committed my life
to him and to the members of my church.
By then I’d made my parents and my pastor aware of my
feelings for Helen, and they advised me to let things develop
naturally, in God’s time: “If your relationship is God’s will, it
will happen, and no one will be able to stand in the way of it.”
But they encouraged me to go ahead and talk with her.
I did. It didn’t take long for us to realize that something was
happening between us. Neither of us would have dared call it
love at the time – it was too new, too precious. But as weeks
became months, we felt a deep connection growing between
us. We spent time together, sometimes with each other’s
families, sometimes on our own. We would mull over issues
of faith, read from the Bible, pray, or just sit quietly together.
Later, when my job necessitated a move, we wrote to each
other almost every day.
As our friendship deepened, our openness grew. But
trust, we learned, takes time. At first, it was something of a
revelation to realize that we both had shortcomings. We could
hurt each other, and at times even betray the love taking shape
between us. Yet whenever we became entrenched in our own
narrowness, our parents and pastors were there to help guide
us through.
Of course, opening up to someone was sometimes
painful, even embarrassing – especially when things weren’t
going smoothly. And the advice our parents or other church
members would give didn’t always sit well with us. But
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once we discovered the incredible value of having trusted
people to confide in, we realized we were being granted an
opportunity for our relationship to unfold within a supportive
environment.
Now, as our wedding nears, we are grateful for the help
of others who have steered us toward Christ. Without them,
Helen and I would most likely never have found each other’s
hearts. In our era, we know what a rare gift it is that our
relationship has been able to deepen without the pressures
caused by revolving around sex. And we know that no matter
what our future brings, Christ will remain our guide.
Ray and Helen’s story illustrates how vitally important it
is for a couple to take plenty of time to get to know each
other inwardly before making any commitment. When two
people seek marriage, it is essential that they first strive to
discover all there is of God in each other. There are plenty
of wholesome activities a couple can find for this purpose:
reading, hiking, visiting each other’s families, or participating
in a community service project together. Writing to each other
is also a good way to become acquainted on a deeper level.
In my experience, it is best if such correspondence starts out
in a non-binding way – as if from a brother to his sister and
vice versa. This is because emotional appeals about romantic
love and belonging together, far from providing a foundation
for the future, do the opposite: they obscure the discernment
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needed to discern whether or not a future commitment is
really God’s will.
My church encourages young couples not only to
correspond by letter, but also to share these letters with
either a parent or pastor. Such openness may seem extreme,
but it allows for support and guidance, and is not resented.
One can only wonder how many marriages might be saved
if young couples everywhere had the humility to turn to their
parents (or any other married couple they trust) for advice,
even if not in this specific way.
Again, a healthy relationship cannot be rushed. Like a
flower, it must be allowed to open in God’s time, not forced
in hopes of an early bloom. If a marriage is to last, it must be
built on a carefully laid foundation.
What matters most, in the decision
to marry, is God’s will.
Honesty is fundamental to every true relationship. If a couple
does not feel that they are growing closer to each other and to
God, they must be open about it. Here the church, too, must
care enough about its members to be honest with them – to
help a couple discern if they are really meant for one another,
and to consider whether their friendship is bearing good fruit.
Even if no promise has been made, ending a relationship is
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painful. But better a painful end than the endless pain of a
relationship that leads nowhere.
Only when two young people, independently of each other
but with the input of their parents and minister, feel assured
over a period of time that they really belong together for life
are they ready to become engaged. Only when they feel in
the depth of their hearts that their partner is the person meant
for them, and that it is God alone who has led them together,
are they truly ready to make a bond for life.
Once engaged, most couples want to participate fully in
their love and express it actively in giving and receiving.
Their hearts are set on making each other as happy and
fulfilled as possible, and they feel ready to do anything
to bring this about. All the more, such couples must realize
that the powers of love are much greater than they themselves,
and they must ask God daily for the strength to discipline
themselves.
Long embraces, caressing, mouth-to-mouth kissing, and
anything else that might lead to sexual arousal should be
avoided. The desire for physical closeness between two
is natural, but instead of revolving around this desire, an
engaged couple should focus on getting to know each other
more intimately on an inner level and nurturing each other’s
love to Jesus and the church.
When two people are getting to know each other, sexual
involvement inhibits the development of a well-founded
relationship. As soon as sex is on stage, it steals the show.
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Sexual excitement is progressive in its nature: once you
begin you are never satisfied in going back. When two
people intentionally arouse each other, they are engaging
in a form of foreplay. Whether they acknowledge it or not,
they are preparing themselves emotionally and physically
for intercourse. They are left with only two choices: to go
all the way, or to stop short and experience the emotional
frustration of being aroused and not satisfied. The desires
kindled within them cannot be appeased without sinning.
“Going halfway” is therefore harmful, because it interferes
with building lasting intimacy.
A marriage that starts with a conscience burdened by
unconfessed sin is a marriage without a stable foundation, and
it can be set right only through confession and repentance.
The health of a marriage depends on the ground in which it
grows. If it is sown in the soil of purity and faith, it will bear
good fruit and have God’s blessing.
Try to grasp the spirit, not the letter, of what I have written.
Seek to understand each other’s inmost heart, and turn to
Christ in absolute trust to seek his answer to every question.
He will never fail to lead you clearly.
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The Service
of Singleness
The disciples said to him, “If that is the situation
between a husband and wife, it is better not
to marry.” To this Jesus replied, “That is
something which not everyone can accept,
but only those for whom God has appointed
it. For while some are incapable of marriage
because they were born so, or were made so
by men, there are others who have themselves
renounced marriage for the sake of the kingdom
of heaven. Let those accept it who can.”
Matthew 19:10–12
The gift of unity, whether with other people or with God,
does not depend in any way on marriage. In fact, the New
Testament teaches that a deeper dedication to Christ may be
found by giving up marriage for the sake of the kingdom of
God. Those who renounce everything for Jesus, including
the gift of marriage, are given a great promise by him: he
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will be especially near to them at his return (Rev. 14:1–5).
Whether such people find themselves without a life partner
because of abandonment, death, or lack of opportunity, they
can find a much greater calling than marriage if they are able
to accept their singleness in the depth of their hearts. They
can dedicate their lives in a special way to undivided service
for God’s kingdom.
To live fully is to live for Christ.
Every man and every woman on earth who desires to
follow Christ must be completely transformed by him. This
challenge takes on a deeper meaning for those who are single
(for whatever reason) and who carry their singleness for
Christ’s sake. Such a person will find a special relationship
to him.
A life lived for Christ is life in its fullest sense (John
10:10). We must never forget this; it is our deepest calling. If
we truly love Christ the Bridegroom with undivided hearts,
we will be immersed in him just as we are immersed in water
at baptism. If we live in Christ, our love for him will guide
our love to our brothers and sisters and to all those around
us.
The story of Francis of Assisi and his friendship with Clare
shows in a wonderful way the significance of brotherly and
sisterly love – even when it does not lead to marriage. When
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all of Francis’s brothers and friends deserted him, he went
to Clare. In her he had a friend he could rely on. Even after
his death she remained loyal to him and continued to carry
out his mission, despite opposition. Here was a relationship
that had nothing to do with marriage but was still genuinely
intimate – a friendship of true purity and unity in God.
There will always be women and men like Clare and
Francis who remain unmarried for the sake of Christ. Yet we
must recognize that the gift of a relationship such as theirs is
not given to everyone. In struggling for purity, most single
people are no different from married people. Singleness is no
safeguard against impurity – in every heart, purity requires
constant watchfulness, a daily fight against the flesh, and a
firm attitude against sin.
If we allow him,
Jesus can fill every void.
The Scriptures never promise us the removal of temptation.
But we do have the assurance that it need not overcome
us (1 Cor. 10:13). If we prove ourselves in patience and
faithfulness, God will help us. This is not to say that it is
possible to keep pure by the strength of our own will. Yet by
the power of the Holy Spirit, and through the help of caring
friends and family members, it is possible to find freedom
and victory (Gal. 6:1–2).
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For those who do not find a partner in marriage but feel no
special calling to remain single for the sake of Jesus, there
is a danger of bitterness. If a deep yearning for marriage
remains unfulfilled, especially over a long period of time,
it can harden the heart. Then only God’s grace can protect
the soul and enable it to let go – to give up marriage and still
find peace.
Cynthia, an unmarried woman in her mid-forties, offers
her insights on how to avoid an empty life and find lasting
fulfillment:
“Me, single for the rest of my life?” Many of us must face this
reality. Why? – because we have chosen to commit our lives
to God first. He needs tools that are unattached to family to
serve him. Does this mean less fulfillment, stunted growth,
withdrawal from full involvement in life? Not if one can
embrace, instead of rebel against, God’s plan for one’s life. In
fact, a dedicated life of service awaits those who sacrifice or
renounce marriage in order to keep themselves completely at
God’s disposal.
Think of single people like the writer Amy Carmichael,
who traveled to India as a young missionary, not knowing
what kind of service God wanted of her. She soon had a
growing orphanage of children rescued from virtual slavery
in the clutches of the Hindu temple priests. Or think of Mother
Teresa, who founded an order of sisters to look after the
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poorest of the poor in Calcutta. Her order has spread all over
the world. Or think of Paul and others of the apostles who,
because they were single, were able to travel ceaselessly to
spread the Gospel.
Of course you don’t have to be a missionary, nun, or
apostle to find fulfillment in a life of singleness. I could
have felt bitterness and frustration at not being married, but
instead I have found plenty of opportunities to serve others on
a daily basis right where I have been placed.
Almost weekly I visit inmates at the local jail. During my
last visit, the women in the jail were eager for bible study,
so we read the story of the Good Samaritan and talked about
its everyday applications. After a discussion of who could or
couldn’t sing, we all joined in singing spirituals and hymns
like “Precious Lord” and “Amazing Grace.”
Needless to say, not every evening is satisfying in this way.
Loneliness can be a real part in the life of any single person.
It may tempt one to self-pity, but like any temptation, it can
be refused. In her book Passion and Purity, Elisabeth Elliot
advises: “Accept your loneliness. It is one stage, and only one
stage, on a journey that brings you to God. It will not always
last. Offer up your loneliness to God, as the little boy offered
to Jesus his five loaves and two fishes. God can transform it
for the good of others. Above all, do something for somebody
else!”
Here is the clue: service rendered to others. Teaching,
nursing, counseling, or visiting prisoners in jail – any of such
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activities can lead to a fulfilled life. For there are many hurting
people in the world who need an extra touch of love, and those
of us who are single are uniquely free to take up the task of
being there for them.
The process of letting go to one’s own desires is never
easy, and it may at times weigh very heavily on a person.
But when single people are able to surrender their own
hopes and dreams completely, Jesus will fill the void that
might otherwise burden them. They will remember how he
ended his life on the cross, and they will find joy in bearing
singleness as their sacrifice for him. Those who continually
long for marriage, despite the fact that God has not given it
to them, can never attain this joy. Marriage is a great gift, but
to belong completely and undividedly to Christ is a greater
gift.
Ultimately, we have to be willing to be used by God as he
wills and find contentment in whatever circumstances we
find ourselves (Phil. 4:11–13). We should never think that
God does not love us. Such a thought is of the devil.
Naturally, no matter how dedicated a single person is,
he or she will still experience moments, days, even weeks,
of sadness and struggle. The knowledge that marriage and
children are beyond reach will always bring pangs of longing
and a sense of loss. But rather than dwell on these things, it
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is better (even if harder) to look to God and to turn to one’s
brothers and sisters in the church. Bonhoeffer
writes:
Pain is a holy angel who shows us treasures that would
otherwise remain forever hidden; through him men and women
have become greater than through all the joys of the world. It
must be so and I tell myself this in my present situation over
and over again. The pain of suffering and of longing, which
can often be felt even physically, must be there, and we cannot
and need not talk it away. But it needs to be overcome every
time, and thus there is an even holier angel than the one of
pain; that is, the one of joy in God.24
Singleness can be accepted as
a burden – or as a higher calling.
Single men and women must not fall into the trap of estranging
themselves from life and love in bitterness. They must not
stifle what is best in themselves or give themselves over to
dreams or to desires that cannot be satisfied. They must not
let self-circling fantasies block the unfolding of all that God
has given them. If they are able to accept their singleness as
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a gift or a special calling, they will let none of their energy
or love go unused. Their longings will be fulfilled in giving:
in a stream of love that moves away from themselves, and
toward Christ and the church. As Paul says:
An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs – how
he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about
the affairs of this world – how he can please his wife – and
his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is
concerned about the Lord’s affairs: her aim is to be devoted
to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman
is concerned about the affairs of this world – how she can
please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to
restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided
devotion to the Lord (1 Cor. 7:32–35).
Earlier in the same letter, Paul refers to another blessing
of singleness: the lack of care and worry over spouse and
children, especially in times of hardship. “Those who marry
will have pain and grief in this bodily life, and my aim is to
spare you” (1 Cor. 7:28).
Widows, like the unmarried, are also able to serve the
church and the needy at times when a married person could
not. Paul says, “A woman who is really widowed and left
without anybody can give herself up to God in hope and
consecrate all her days and nights to petitions and meetings
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for prayer” (1 Tim. 5:5). In the early church in Jerusalem,
widows were appointed to serve the poor or entrusted
with other responsibilities. “In even the smallest church
community the overseer had to be a friend to the poor, and
there had to be at least one widow responsible to see to it, day
and night, that no sick or needy person was neglected.”25
How sad it is that today it is very often the widows –and
other single women and men – who are themselves neglected
and lonely! May the church always be ready to meet the needs
of such people (1 Cor. 12:26). Especially with the collapse of
the family, we must find new ways to show single members
extra love and care and to involve them in the lives of their
families or fellowships. This does not mean pressing them
to find a spouse and then pitying them if they don’t – that
will only add to their pain. It means welcoming their gifts
and services in the church, providing them with meaningful
tasks, and drawing them into the inner life of the church so
that they may find fulfillment.
No matter our state,
all of us are called to love.
Those of us who are married should recognize that our
happiness is a gift – something to be shared and passed on.
We should want to reach out to those who struggle with
feelings of loneliness. Most important, all of us, whether
married or single, should remember that true fulfillment and
joy is found in serving one another in the spirit of community.
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We are called to a love that gives unconditionally – not to
the grasping love of a cozy marriage nor to the indulging
love of isolated self-pity.
As Christians, we know that true love is found in its most
perfect form in Jesus. Many of us have been touched by Jesus,
or been called and used by him. But that is not enough. Each
of us must ask God to let us experience him personally – in
the very depths of our hearts. Our eyes must be fixed on him
and him alone so that we can see him as he really is, and not
grow weary and lose heart (Heb. 12:2–3).
The span of life is short, and as Paul warns us, the world in
its present form is passing away (1 Cor. 7:29–31). What we
need most in our time is Christ, but not only as a guide or an
image before our eyes. He must become a living force in our
daily lives. He said, “I came on earth to kindle a fire. How I
wish it were already burning!” (Luke 12:49)
Where is Christ most clearly revealed as he was and still
is? We must seek for him with our brothers and sisters. We
must ask that he is revealed today and every day among us.
More than that, we must ask for the courage to witness to
him before others just as he is, with tenderness, meekness,
and humility, but also in truth, clarity, and sharpness. We
must not add or take away anything. That is the essence of
single-heartedness, and the service of singleness.
The Spirit of
Our Age
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With or
Without God
Be imitators of God, therefore, and live a life of
love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself
up for us…Among you there must not be even
a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind
of impurity, or of greed, because these are
improper for God’s holy people. Nor should
there be obscenity, foolish talk, or coarse
joking…Let no one deceive you with empty
words, for because of such things God’s wrath
comes on those who are disobedient.
Ephesians 5:1–6
Throughout Scripture the covenant of God with
his people and the unity of Christ with his church is
compared to the union of marriage. In our culture,
however, marriage – the very thing we should honor and
celebrate most as love – has been attacked, dragged into
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the dirt, and destroyed by the spirits of impurity and
irreverence.
For many people today,
love is a delusion.
The desecration of love is one of the greatest tragedies
of our time. Increasingly, love is understood as nothing more
than selfish desire, and the satisfaction of this desire is seen
as fulfillment. People talk about sexual liberation but remain
trapped in bondage to their sexual desires; they talk about
true love but live in self-absorbed estrangement.
Our age is a
loveless age: relationships and hearts are broken everywhere,
millions of human lives are discarded almost before they
have begun, thousands of children are abused or abandoned,
and fear and mistrust abound even in supposedly healthy
marriages. Love has been reduced to base sex. Because of
this, it is nothing more than a delusion for many – short-lived
intimacy followed by gnawing emptiness and anguish.
How can we rediscover the real meaning of love? So
many things in the world today take away our belief in
lasting and unconditional love. So much of what has to do
with “love” these days really has to do with the excitement
and passion of lust. We live in a sex-obsessed, sex-crazed
society, and everything reeks of it – advertising, literature,
fashion, and entertainment. Marriage has been the first
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casualty: its significance has become so distorted that its true
meaning has been lost.
Of course, no honest person can lay the blame for all
of this at the door of the media or of some vague force in
society. Certainly, the media has confused thousands of
people and left them hardened. But it is we – each one of
us – whose souls are burdened by the sin of our own lust,
whose marriages have fallen apart, whose children have
gone astray. We cannot ignore our own misdeeds; we must
take responsibility for our own actions, for every instance
where we have accepted the spirit of impurity and let evil
into our own hearts. We have mocked and twisted the image
of God and separated ourselves from our creator. We must
learn to listen again to the deepest cries of our hearts, and
repent and turn back to God.
Thirty years have passed since the beginning of the
sexual revolution, and its devastating aftermath should
be obvious to anyone: widespread promiscuity; rising rates
of teen pregnancy and suicide; tens of millions of abortions;
the spread of sexually transmitted diseases; the erosion of the
family and home life; and the rise of a violent new generation.
“We have sown the wind, and reap the whirlwind” (Hos.
8:7).
Our time grossly overestimates the importance of sex.
Whether on bookstands, in convenience stores, or at
supermarket counters, its significance is exaggerated in a
thoroughly unhealthy way. Love between man and woman
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is no longer regarded as sacred or noble; it has become a
commodity seen only in an animal sense, as an uncontrollable
impulse that must be satisfied.
As a tool of the sexual revolution, modern sex education
more than anything else is responsible for all this. Sex
education was supposed to bring us freedom, enlightened
attitudes, responsibility, and safety. Isn’t it obvious by now
that it has been a failure? Haven’t we seen by now that
knowledge is no safeguard, and that sex education as taught
in most schools has only increased sexual activity?
True education for the sexual
life instills reverence.
Most parents have very little, if any, idea of what their
children are taught in sex education classes. Sex education
has never been a simple presentation of biological
facts. In many curricula students are graphically taught
(sometimes by way of films) about various sexual practices,
including masturbation, and about “safe” sex. In others,
sexual perversions are openly and explicitly discussed and
presented as normal ways of finding sexual “fulfillment.” In
some school districts an appreciation and understanding for
the homosexual lifestyle is encouraged: it is, our children
are told, a perfectly acceptable alternative to heterosexual
marriage. Some schools even have students pair off to discuss
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topics such as foreplay and orgasm. Antibiotics and abortion
are presented as positive safety nets in case contraception and
safe sex practices fail. Abstinence, if not entirely ignored,
is mentioned only in passing. As William Bennett, former
Secretary of Education, writes:
There is a coarseness, a callousness, a cynicism, a banality,
and a vulgarity to our time. There are too many signs of a
civilization gone rotten. And the worst of it has to do with
our children: we live in a culture that at times seems almost
dedicated to the corruption of the young, to ensuring the loss
of their innocence before their time.26
Sex education is little more than “safe” sex training. Initially,
it was instituted as an attempt to bank the fires of
teenage sexuality; instead, it has only fanned the flames.27
Most people seem to take it for granted that teenagers will
and should express themselves sexually. Our era is one of
millions of abortions, of countless unwed mothers on public
support, and of epidemic sexually transmitted diseases.
Clearly, the idea that accurate knowledge fosters responsible
behavior is nothing less than a grand myth.
In general, much of what is taught today in the name of
sex education is a horror, and as Christians we must protest
against it. It is often little more than the formalized training
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of irreverence, impurity, and rebellion against the plan of
God.
True education for the sexual life takes place best between
parent and child in an environment of reverence and trust. To
educate anyone about sex through anonymous images and
impersonal information will only awaken the sexual impulse
of a child prematurely and, in his mind, separate sex from
love and commitment.
Obviously we should not be afraid to talk freely with
our own children about sexual matters, especially as they
approach adolescence. Otherwise they will learn about
these things first from their peers, and rarely in a reverent
atmosphere. All the same, there is a danger in giving a child
too many biological facts about sex. Often, a factual approach
to sex robs it of its divine mystery.
To the Christian parent, sex education means guiding the
sexual conscience of his or her children to sense their own
dignity and the dignity of others. It means helping them to
understand that selfish pleasure, whether it “hurts” anybody
else or not, is contrary to love (Gal. 5:13). It means teaching
them that, separated from God, sexual intercourse or any
other sexual activity burdens the conscience and undermines
honest relationships. It means opening their eyes to see the
deep emptiness that leads people – and could lead them
too – into sexual sin.
A child can acquire a healthy attitude to his body and to
sex quite naturally, simply by being taught that his body, as
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the temple of the Spirit, is holy, and that any defilement of
it is sin. I will never forget the deep impression it made on
me as a young teen when my father took me for a walk with
him and told me about the struggle for a pure life and the
importance of keeping myself pure for the woman I might
find and marry some day. He said to me, “If you are able to
live a pure life now, it will be easier for the rest of your life.
But if you give in now to personal impurity, it will become
harder and harder to withstand temptation, even once you
marry.”
Parents who want to protect their children from impurity
should remember that the discipline of work – whether
through chores, exercise, or through other activities – is one
of the best safeguards. Children who have been taught to
stick to a task and see it through will be better equipped to
deal with sexual temptations than children who have been
pampered and catered to.
Any misuse of sex cuts us off
from our true selves and from each
other.
Young people underestimate the power of the demonic forces
they allow into their lives when they give in to impurity. Take
masturbation, for example. As children grow into young men
and women, their sexual desire increases, and often their
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most immediate urge is to seek sexual gratification through
masturbation. Increasingly, parents, educators, and ministers
of our day claim that masturbation is healthy and natural;
many see it as just another form of stress release. And the
sexual activity it often leads to, even among children who
have barely reached puberty, is considered by some to be
normal.
Why are we parents and educators so afraid to speak
the truth – to warn our children not only of the dangers
of promiscuity but also of masturbation? (Prov. 5:1 ff.)
Aren’t both illnesses of the soul? Don’t both desecrate
and betray the image of God, and undermine the marriage
bond? Masturbation can never bring true satisfaction. It is
a solitary act. It is self-stimulation, self-gratification, selfabuse
– it closes us within a dream world and separates
us from genuine relationships. When it becomes habitual
(which it often does), it aggravates isolation and loneliness,
and it intensifies feelings of futility and frustration. At its
worst, as a breach in the bond of unity and love for which
sex is created, it is comparable to adultery. I have counseled
many young people who are enslaved by masturbation: they
earnestly desire to be freed from their habit, but they fall into
it again and again.
A person who struggles with masturbation is often too
ashamed to talk about it with anyone. Yet it is important
to realize that because shameful acts work in secrecy, their
power can only be broken when they are brought to light.
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Certainly sharing one’s burdens and inner feelings with a
mentor or pastor can be painful, but this is the only recourse
for anyone who wants to become truly free.
People may struggle with masturbation right to the end of
their lives. I have counseled men in their eighties who still
have not found freedom from it. The question arises whether
there is anything one can do to be rid of this curse. My advice
to those enslaved to masturbation is to seek strength through
prayer. You will not conquer your addiction by will power
alone. Before you go to bed at night, turn your thoughts to
God and read something of an inner, spiritual nature. Even
then the temptation to masturbate can arise. When that
happens, find something to take your mind off it – get out
of bed and take a walk, or do some household chore. Often
a simple activity provides the best means to overcome these
strong temptations.
Frequently enslavement to masturbation is connected to
another form of bondage: pornography. Very few people
will admit an addiction to pornography, but the fact that
it is a steadily growing billion-dollar industry shows how
widespread it is, also among “Christians.”
Many people claim that pornography should not be
criminalized because it is “victimless.” Yet anything that
encourages impurity, even in the form of solitary sexual
arousal, is a crime because it degrades the human body,
which was created in God’s image as a temple of the soul
(1 Cor. 6:19). The so-called lines typically drawn between
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pornography, masturbation, one-night stands, and prostitution
are actually an illusion. All of them are means used to attain
sexual satisfaction without the “burden” of commitment. All
reduce the mystery of sex to a technique for satisfying lust.
And all of them are shameful – the secrecy of those who
indulge in them betrays that fact more clearly than anything
else (Rom. 13:12–13).
Prayer and confession can free us
from the burden of impurity.
No one can free himself from impurity or any other sin in his
own strength. Freedom comes through the attitude of inner
poverty, through continually turning to God. The struggle
against temptation is in everyone and will always be there,
but through prayer and confession, sin can be overcome.
Whenever we let down our guard in the struggle for
purity – whenever we allow passion and lust to overcome
us – we are in danger of throwing ourselves completely
away. Then we will not be able to drive away the evil spirits
we have allowed to enter, and the intervention of Christ
himself will be needed to bring freedom. Without this, there
will be only deepening hopelessness and despair.
In the most extreme instances the desperation brought
on by a secret life of impurity ends in suicide. This can
only be described as a rebellion against God, a statement
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that says, “I’m beyond hope – my problems are too big
even for God to handle.” Suicide denies that God’s grace
is greater than our weakness. If we find ourselves in the
abyss of despair, the only answer is to seek God and
ask for his compassion and mercy. Even when we find
ourselves at the end of our rope, God wants to give us new
hope and courage, no matter how deeply we feel we have
betrayed him. God is always ready to forgive every sin
(1 John 1:9); we only need to be humble enough to ask him.
When someone is tempted by thoughts of suicide, the most
important thing we can do is to show him love – to remind
him that each of us was created by and for God, and that
each of us has a purpose to fulfill.
To turn from sin and to realize that we are created for God
is always a revelation and a joy. If we faithfully face God in
our lifetime here on earth, we will recognize the magnitude
of our wonderful task, the task of receiving his love and
sharing it with others. There is no calling more wonderful.
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Shameful Ev en
to Mention?
Live as children of light (for the fruit of the
light consists in all goodness, righteousness,
and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord.
Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds
of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is
shameful even to mention what the disobedient
do in secret.
Ephesians 5:8–12
In June 1995, a panel of the Church of England recommended
that the phrase “living in sin” be abandoned and that
unmarried couples, heterosexual and homosexual alike,
be “given encouragement and support” in their lifestyles
and more readily welcomed into Anglican congregations.
Suggesting that “loving homosexual relations and acts” are
intrinsically no less valuable than heterosexual ones, the
panel proposed that love should be allowed to be expressed
“in a variety of relationships.”28 Although such a statement
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is hardly surprising in today’s world, it is shocking to hear
it from an established church, and to know that other church
denominations have asserted similar ideas.
We must love the sinner,
but we must also speak out against sin.
Recently I served on a parent-teachers’ committee at a local
high school and was able to observe just how powerful the
movement to accept homosexuality has become – how it
has crept into almost every aspect of public life. The school
district’s Health and Safety Advisory Committee was so
afraid of alienating gays and lesbians that it was hesitant
even to define “family,” let alone take a position on so-called
family values. Finally, it settled on defining “family” as “two
people with a commitment.”
Many politicians and an increasing number of clergy are
afraid to say anything against such a definition for fear of
losing voter support or their jobs. Very few dare to stand
in opposition and say, “Enough!” But by refusing to define
marriage as a covenant between one man and one woman,
they not only call into question the entire institution of the
family but flatly deny God’s order for creation. They are
sending our children the message that anything is okay, and
that life-long commitment to one partner of the opposite sex
is merely one of many options.
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To some readers it may seem that I am advocating
hatred toward homosexuals – “gay bashing.” Let me assure
you that I am not. Every one of us is a sinner and falls
short every day, and there is no biblical basis for making
homosexuality a worse sin than any other. To make fun
of homosexuality or to judge a practicing homosexual
any more harshly than another person who has sinned, or
to look on him or her with an attitude of condemnation, is
a sin: we know from the gospels that no sexual sin is so
terrible that it cannot be forgiven or healed (Eph. 2:3–5). Yet
we also know that Jesus hates sin, even though he loves the
sinner and wants to redeem him.
To affirm homosexuality
is to deny God’s creative intent.
Homosexual conduct is a sin. It is “against nature,” against
God’s creative design, and it is a form of self-worship and
idolatry (Rom. 1:26). As a sexual act between two people of
the same gender it is the “very grievous” sin of Sodom and
Gomorrah (Gen. 19:1–29).
In Leviticus 18:22–23, God calls homosexual intercourse
an abomination: “Do not lie with a man as one lies with
a woman; that is detestable.” And in Leviticus 20:13 we
read, “The penalty for homosexual acts is death to both
parties. They have brought it upon themselves.” Let
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those who discount such prohibitions and warnings by
explaining that we are now “no longer under the law, but
under grace” then explain why incest, adultery, bestiality,
and human sacrifice are not to be ignored. All of these are
condemned in the very next sentences: “Do not have sexual
relations with an animal and defile yourself with it. A woman
must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations
with it; that is a perversion.”
The New Testament also condemns homosexuality. In
Romans 1:26–28 Paul writes:
Their women have exchanged natural intercourse for unnatural,
and their men in turn, giving up natural relations with women,
burn with lust for one another; males behave indecently with
males and are paid in their persons the fitting wage of such
perversion.
And in 1 Cor. 6:9–10 Paul writes:
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom
of God? Do not be deceived; neither the sexually immoral nor
idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual
offenders…will inherit the kingdom of God.
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Many people reinterpret these Scriptures as condemning
only homosexual rape, promiscuity, and lustful or
“unnatural” homosexual behavior by heterosexuals. They
claim that what the Bible condemns is offensive homosexual
(and heterosexual) behavior. But isn’t it clear that when Paul
speaks of “homosexual offenders” he is speaking of the
offense of homosexuality itself? If only “offensive” kinds of
homosexual acts were evil, then what about the rest of what
Paul mentions in the same passage: adultery, idolatry, and so
forth?
What could be clearer than Paul’s words in Romans, where
he calls homosexuality “sinful desire, sexual impurity” and
says that it is “degrading and shameful”? Or his unmistakably
sharp words against giving oneself over “to depravity”?
(Rom. 1:24–28) Homosexual acts are always perverse, for
they always distort God’s will for creation. They simply
cannot be defended in any way by Scripture. And this
is just as true when they take place in a “loving” lifelong
relationship. Adulterous heterosexual affairs may also be felt
to be loving and may be long-lasting, but that doesn’t make
them right.
It is typical today to hear people complain about the
injustice of holding homosexuals responsible for an
orientation or even a way of life that they themselves did
not necessarily choose. But this is only an excuse for sin.
Whether or not homosexuals are responsible for their sexual
orientation has no relevance as to the rightness or wrongness
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of their behavior. To explain behavior is one thing. To justify
it is altogether different.29
Whatever its origin or kind,
sexual temptation can be overcome.
The sexual urges of a homosexual can be acute, but so can
those of anyone else. All of us are “naturally” predisposed
to do what we should not do. But if we believe in God, we
must also believe that he can give us the grace to overcome
whatever struggles we may have to bear: “My grace is
sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”
(2 Cor. 12:9–10).
In speaking out against homosexuality, we must always
remember that even though Scripture condemns homosexual
behavior, it never gives us license to condemn the people
who engage in it. As Christians we certainly cannot condone
the denial of any person’s basic human rights, for whatever
reason. It is all too easy to forget that the Bible has much more
to say about pride, greed, resentment, and self-righteousness
than about homosexuality. Nevertheless, we will always
resist the agenda of those who try to redefine homosexuality
as an “alternative lifestyle” – especially as it affects the
legalization of same-sex marriages – as well as efforts to
compel religious groups to accept practicing homosexuals
as members and even ministers (1 Cor. 5:11).
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It is also important to consider the difference between
homosexual tendency or “orientation” and an active
homosexual lifestyle. Whereas homosexual orientation
can arise by means of psychological influences, social
environment, and perhaps (according to some scientists)
even genetic makeup, an active homosexual lifestyle is a
matter of choice. To argue that our culture, family, or genes
make us powerless to choose for or against sin is to deny the
concept of free will.
Even as an orientation, homosexuality is an especially
deep-rooted condition, and those who struggle with it deserve
compassion and help. Therefore we always need to be ready
to receive the homosexual man or woman into our fellowship
and stand with him or her – in patience and love, though
also with the clarity that refuses to tolerate continued sexual
sinning. Above all, we need to remind those burdened with
same-sex attraction of God’s original plan for creation, and
help them see that neither man nor woman is truly complete
without the other.
I have counseled many people who have struggled with
homosexual temptations. Sometimes a person’s situation
seems hopeless, but in my experience, even someone who
has been ingrained in the “gay lifestyle” for a long time can
be helped. Whether a struggling homosexual acts on his
temptations or not, one thing remains the same: if he turns
single-mindedly to Jesus, he can be helped and freed; if he is
divided in the depth of his heart, even the most valiant efforts
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to resist temptation will cramp him in an inner way. Even
a perverse glance shows that a person is not decided – and
Jesus calls this “adultery” in the heart. Lasting freedom can
be found only in decisiveness.
It is all the more important, therefore, that people who
are not burdened by homosexuality try to understand the
tremendous inner need of those who are. Their misplaced
sexual desire often stems from an intense yearning for a
genuinely loving connection with others. Many homosexuals
have never known unconditional, accepting love from those
of their own gender. In fatherless homes across our country,
a void exists that is capable of inducing homosexual feelings
in children. And in our culture, driven as it is by competition
and the will to dominate, it is easy for some people to feel
left out; they may turn to homosexuality as a result.
I have known Howard and his wife, Ann, ever since
they joined our church two decades ago, yet it was not
until recently that I fully understood the depth of Howard’s
struggle. Abused as a child by his uncle, neglected by his
workaholic father, and ridiculed by his peers for his lack of
athletic ability, Howard grew up feeling misunderstood and
out of place. He craved attention: from his father, other men,
and boys his own age. By the time he was in his mid teens,
he was homosexually active. While Howard does not blame
his upbringing for choices he made later in life, his story
should warn every parent of what can happen when children
grow up without the support of a caring family.
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But Howard’s story is more than a warning. It bears witness
to Christ’s power to overcome darkness; to the importance
of repentance; to the healing force of forgiveness; and to the
joy that every one of us can know. He writes:
When I was sixteen, I began to mess around with other boys.
It wasn’t long before I allowed older men to “experiment”
with me. These sexual experiences excited me, but they left
me feeling very guilty. I was not able to open up to anyone
about what I was going through. I even lied to my father when
he confronted me directly and asked if I had such feelings.
By the time I turned twenty-one, I had done virtually every
homosexual act possible. Nothing satisfied me. My encounters
with other men were empty; I preferred to look at pictures and
create my own fantasies. I never tried to come to terms with
my attraction to men, excusing it as something I “couldn’t
help.” Even when my insurance paid for psychotherapy
because of work-related stress and anxiety, I did not tell the
psychiatrist anything personal. I was convinced: there was no
point talking to anyone; no one would understand me, and it
wasn’t possible for me to change, anyway.
I married the first woman I had a sexual relationship with.
Ann loved me and accepted what she knew of me. We talked
about our personal feelings, but not until we’d been married
over two years did I work up the courage to share my secret
with her. Naturally, Ann responded with stunned surprise. She
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could not understand how it was possible. I told her about my
childhood and about the thoughts and desires that burdened
me. I made it clear to her that I wanted nothing to do with
these things, and she accepted this and seemed to have hope
that I could change. Even though I fell into casual encounters
with other men on several more occasions, she continually
forgave me.
Many homosexuals were “coming out of the closet” at that
time, revealing their lifestyle to family and friends and trying
to find acceptance. I dreaded this, because I was sure I would
not be accepted. Actually, at heart I did not want acceptance; I
wanted help to overcome my problem. Finally I told my story
to a lay pastor whom I trusted. He helped me find the strength
to declare my stand against homosexuality before a small
group of people I knew and felt close to. They were at first
shocked, but then also very supportive, knowing that they too
had struggles. This was a beginning of my path to recovery.
But only the beginning.
Later my wife and I joined the Bruderhof, a Christian
community movement, sensing that we had arrived at a place
where true healing could be found. To a degree this was true,
but sometimes when I felt low and depressed, I would still give
in to lustful thoughts and looks, which on several occasions
nearly led me back into my old ways. Clearly I could never
overcome my problems in my own strength. All the same, I
kidded myself into believing I could, and convinced my wife
I was doing okay. In the meantime, I was blocking out Jesus’
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words about the lustful look. My conscience became duller
and duller. My heart grew harder and harder.
Ann continued to trust me, and God gave us two sons. Yet
in spite of these blessings, I sunk deeper and deeper. Then one
day a friend discovered me looking at pornography. Though
at first I tried to lie my way out, I finally found the courage to
admit my sin, both before my wife and the brothers and sisters
within my community. “Everyone” now knew, and I waited to
be “run out of town.” But while no one condoned my behavior,
I did not feel condemned. Men who I thought would be totally
disgusted with me suddenly looked me squarely in the eyes
with true, brotherly love. My hard heart began to melt…
My wife and I separated for several weeks so that I could
find my true bearings again. During this time Ann stood
faithfully by her commitment to the church and to me. She
told me later, “When we married, I had no idea what we might
face in the future. We promised to remain faithful – come hell
or high water – to God, to the church, and to each other. We
had no idea what we were promising, but I know this is what
protected us. This is what led us together again.”
Ann was right, of course. It was only through God’s grace
that I was able to recognize how badly I needed to come
completely clean, to open up my heart wider than I ever had
before, and to set straight every single wrong act or ingrained
attitude from the past. I saw how my own selfishness lay at the
root of my problem. Bit by bit, I felt my bondage to darkness
breaking.
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As my repentance deepened, my heart grew lighter,
my mind freer. Finally, I moved back in with my wife and
children. Now we are closer as a family than we ever have
been. And the curse I have lived with all my life has been
transformed into a deep joy. Christ has given me the gift of a
clear conscience – there is no greater gift. It gives me courage
to face anything that might come in the future. I know I will
be tempted for the rest of my life, but I also know that there
is always a way through. I can receive help beyond my own
strength.
True freedom is possible for every man and woman, and it
is up to us to believe this (Gal. 5:1).30 Howard and Ann’s
story should remind us not to pretend that victory is easy. It
may not be. For every person who is granted healing, there
are dozens more who have to struggle with temptations for
years, some for the rest of their lives. Yet is it any different
for the rest of us? There cannot be many Christians who
have not longed and prayed, seemingly without result, for
deliverance from some besetting sin. But we should never
doubt that since each of us is created in God’s image, there
is hope for healing and restoration for each of us (Heb. 9:14).
Ultimately, Christ will free us if we give ourselves to him.
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The Hidden War
You brought me out of the womb; you made me
trust in you even at my mother’s breast. From
birth I was cast upon you; from my mother’s
womb you have been my God. Do not be far
from me, for trouble is near and there is no one
to help.
Psalm 22:9–11
Almost seventy years ago, in response to the idea of
“modern” family planning, Eberhard Arnold wrote, “In our
families we hope for as many children as God gives. We
praise God’s creative power and welcome large families as
one of his great gifts.”31
What would he say now, in an era where contraception is
standard practice and millions of unborn children are legally
murdered every year? Where is our joy in children, and in
family life? Our thankfulness for God’s gifts? Where is our
reverence for life and our compassion for those who are least
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able to defend themselves? Jesus is very clear that no one can
enter the kingdom unless he or she becomes like a child.
Sex without regard
for the gift of life is wrong.
The spirit of our age is diametrically opposed not only to the
childlike spirit but even to children themselves. It is a spirit
of death, and it can be seen everywhere in modern society:
in the rise of murder and suicide rates, in the widespread
domestic violence, in abortion, the death penalty, and
euthanasia. Our culture seems bound on going the way of
death, of taking into its own hands what is God’s domain.
And it is not only the State that is at fault.
How many churches sanction the murder of unborn
children under the guise of supporting women’s rights? The
sexual “liberation” of our society has sowed tremendous
destruction. It is a false liberation built on the selfish
pursuit of satisfaction and pleasure. It ignores discipline,
responsibility, and the real freedom that these can bring. In
the words of Stanley Hauerwas, it mirrors “a profound lack
of confidence that we have anything worthy to pass on to a
new generation…We are willing our deaths.”32
It is simply a fact that the vast majority of people today
have no qualms of conscience when the life of a tiny being
is prevented or destroyed. Children, once considered the
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greatest blessing God can give, are now considered only in
terms of their cost: they are a “burden” and a “threat” to the
freedom and happiness of the individual.
In a true marriage, there is a close connection between
married love and new life (Mal. 2:15). When husband and
wife become one flesh, it should always be with the reverent
recognition that through it new life may be formed. In this
way the marriage act becomes an expression of creative love,
a covenant that serves life. But how many couples today view
sex in this way? For most, the pill has made intercourse a
casual act, divorced from responsibility and supposedly free
of consequence.
As Christians, we must be willing to speak out against
the contraceptive mentality that has infected our society.
Too many couples today have simply bought into the
popular mindset of sexual indulgence and family planning
on demand, throwing to the wind the virtues of self-control
and trust. Sex for its own sake, even in marriage, not only
cheapens the marriage act but erodes the foundation of selfgiving
love necessary for raising children. To engage in
sexual pleasure as an end in itself, without regard for the
gift of life, is wrong. It means closing the door to children,
and thus despising both the gift and the Giver (Job 1:21). As
Mother Teresa once said:
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In destroying the power of giving life, through contraception,
a husband or wife is doing something to self. This turns the
attention to self, and so it destroys the gift of love in him or
her. In loving, the husband and wife must turn the attention to
each other, as happens in natural family planning, and not to
self, as happens in contraception.
Contraception undermines the fulfillment and fruition of
two who are one flesh, and because of this we should feel
revulsion toward the attitude that consistently seeks to avoid
the responsibility of bearing children.
None of this is to suggest that we are to bring children
into the world irresponsibly or at the risk of the mother’s
health and well-being. The size of one’s family and the
spacing of children is a matter of tremendous responsibility.
It is something for each couple to consider before God, with
prayer and reverence. Having children too closely together
can place an especially difficult burden on the mother. This
is an area where a husband has to show loving respect and
understanding for his wife. Again, it is vital that a couple
turn together to God and place their uncertainties and fears
before him in faith (Matt. 7:7–8). If we are open to God’s
leading, I am confident that he will show us the way.
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To abort any child is to mock God.
The contraceptive mentality is but one of the manifestations
of the spirit of death that makes new life so unwelcome
in so many homes. Everywhere in society today there is
a hidden war going on, a war against life. So many little
souls are desecrated. And of those who are not prevented
by contraception from entering the world, how many are
callously destroyed by abortion!
The prevalence of abortion in our society is so great
that it makes Herod’s slaughter of the Innocents tame in
comparison. Abortion is murder – there are no exceptions. If
there were, the message of the gospels would be inconsistent
and meaningless. Even the Old Testament makes it clear that
God hates the shedding of innocent blood (Prov. 6:16–17).
Abortion destroys life and mocks God, in whose image every
unborn baby is created.
In the Old Testament there are numerous passages that
speak of God’s active presence in every human life, even
while it is still being formed in the womb. In Genesis
4:1 after Eve conceives and gives birth to Cain, she says,
“With the help of the Lord, I have brought a man into
being.” She does not say, “With the help of Adam,” but “with
the Lord.”
In Psalm 139 we read:
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For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in
my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and
wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full
well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made
in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths
of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days
ordained for me were written in your book before one of them
came to be (Ps. 139:13–16).
Job exclaims: “Did not he who made me in the womb make
them? Did not the same One form us both within our mother’s
womb?” (Job 31:15; 10:8–12)
And God said to the prophet Jeremiah, “I knew you
before you were formed within your mother’s womb; before
you were born I sanctified you and appointed you as my
spokesman to the world” (Jer. 1:5).
We also read in the New Testament that the unborn are
called by God before birth (Gal. 1:15) and that their unique
gifts are prophesied while still in the mother’s womb. Perhaps
one of the most wonderful passages about an unborn child is
found in Luke:
When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the child leaped in
her womb. And Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit and
exclaimed with a loud cry, “Blessed are you among women,
and blessed is the fruit of your womb. And why has this
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happened to me, that the mother of my Lord comes to me?
For as soon as I heard the sound of your greeting, the child in
my womb leaped for joy” (Luke 1:41–44).
Here an unborn child, John the Baptist, the forerunner of
Jesus, leaped in Elizabeth’s womb in acknowledgment
of Jesus, who had been conceived only a week or two
before. Two unborn children: one capable of responding
to the Holy Spirit, and the other – none other than Christ
himself – conceived by the Holy Spirit (Matt. 1:20–21).
Clearly, the idea that a new little life comes into being
through something merely physical or biological is a
complete falsity. It is God who acts in bringing forth life
from the womb (Ps. 71:6). Abortion always destroys this
act.
This is why the early church universally rejected abortion,
and called it infanticide. The Didache, the earliest instruction
(100 c.e.) for new Christian converts, leaves no doubt about
that: “You shall not slay a child by abortion.” And Clement
of Alexandria even writes that those who participate in an
abortion “wholly lose their own humanity along with the
fetus.”33
Where is the clarity of the church today? Even among socalled
Christians, the war of cruelty and death being waged
against the innocent unborn children has become a matter
of fact, its ghastly horrors and brutal techniques hidden by
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the mask of medicine and law or even “justified” by every
thinkable circumstance.
Who are we to judge
whether a life is desirable or not?
I know it is unpopular to say that abortion is murder. I
know that people will say I am removed from reality –
that even certain Christian theologians make at least some
allowances for abortion. Yet I believe God never does. His
law is the law of love. It stands forever, regardless of changing
times and changing circumstances: “Thou shalt not kill.”
Human life is sacred from conception to death. If we
really believe this, we will never be able to accept abortion
on any grounds; even the most persuasive arguments about
“quality of life” or severe physical deformity or mental
retardation will not sway us. Who are we to decide whether
or not a little soul should reach the light of day? In God’s
plan the physically and mentally hindered can be used for
God’s glory (John 9:1–3). “Who has made man’s mouth?
Who makes him dumb, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not
I, the Lord?” (Exod. 4:11)
How can we dare to judge who is desirable and who is
not? The crimes of the Third Reich – where “good” Nordic
babies were bred in special nurseries, while retarded babies,
children, and adults were sent to gas chambers – should
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be warning enough. As Dietrich Bonhoeffer
writes, “Any
distinction between life that is worth living and life that is
not worth living must sooner or later destroy life itself.”34
Even when the life of a pregnant mother is in danger,
abortion is never the answer. In God’s eyes, the life of the
unborn child and mother are equally sacred. To do evil
“so that good may come” is to take God’s sovereignty and
wisdom into one’s own hands (Rom. 3:5–8). In agonizing
situations like this, a couple should turn to the elders of their
church:
Is anyone among you suffering? He should keep on praying
about it. And those who have reason to be thankful should
continually be singing praises to the Lord. Is anyone sick? He
should call for the elders of the church and they should pray
over him and pour a little oil upon him, calling on the Lord to
heal him. And their prayer, if offered in faith, will heal him, for
the Lord will make him well; and if his sickness was caused
by some sin, the Lord will forgive him (James 5:13–15).
There is great power and protection in the prayer of a united
church and in the faith that God’s will can be done for both
the life of a mother and her unborn child. In the end – and I
say this with trembling – that is what matters.
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We must offer alternatives,
not moral condemnation.
As Christians, we cannot simply demand an end to abortion
without offering a positive alternative. Eberhard Arnold
writes:
Moral philosophers may demand that the sexual life be
purified by insisting on purity before and in marriage. But
even the best of them are insincere and unjust unless they
clearly state the actual basis for such high demands. Even
the destruction of incipient life…remains unassailable when
people do not believe in the kingdom of God. The supposedly
high culture of our day will continue to practice this massacre
as long as social disorder and injustice last. Abortion cannot
be combated as long as private and public life are allowed to
remain as they are.
If we want to fight acquisitiveness and the deceit and
injustice of social distinctions, we must fight them through
practical means by demonstrating that a different way of life
is not only feasible, but actually exists. Otherwise we can
demand neither purity in marriage nor an end to abortion; we
cannot wish even the finest families to be blessed with the
many children intended by God’s creative powers. 35
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Here the church has failed miserably. There are so many
teenage mothers who are confronted by this question daily,
yet receive no inner guidance, no emotional or economic
support. Many feel they have no other choice than abortion:
they have been the victim of sexual abuse; or they fear an
angry boyfriend; or their parents have pressured them, saying
that if they have the baby they can’t come home.
In speaking with groups of women who have had
abortions, author Frederica Mathewes-Green discovered a
near unanimous consensus as to why women have abortions:
in nearly every case it is because of relationships. Women
do not want abortions, she writes. They want support and
hope.
I have found that a woman is most likely to choose abortion
in order to please or protect the people that she cares about.
Often she discovers too late that there is another person to
whom she has obligations: her own unborn child. The grief
that follows abortion springs from the conviction that, in a
crisis, this relationship was fatally betrayed.
Supporting women with unplanned pregnancies means
continuing what pregnancy-care centers have been doing all
along: providing housing, medical care, clothing, counseling,
and so forth. But we should also be paying attention to
becoming a steadfast friend, the most important help we can
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give, and to doing whatever we can to repair relationships in
the family circle.36
In speaking out against abortion, therefore, we must not
forget that few other sins cause more heartache or anguish of
soul. Very few women today are offered viable alternatives,
and almost none of them are pointed to God, who alone can
answer their need. A woman who has had an abortion suffers
great torment of conscience, and her isolation and endless
pain can be healed only at the cross – only by finding Christ.
Christians need to feel the immeasurable pain that so many
women bear in their hearts for their lost children. Who of
us can cast the first stone? (John 8:7) Woe to us if we ever
become cold toward a woman who has had an abortion!
God loves the unborn child in a very special way. After all,
he sent us his only son, Jesus, to earth in the form of a baby,
through the womb of a mother. As Mother Teresa points out,
even if a mother turns against her unborn child, God will not
forget him. He has carved each baby in the palm of his hand
and has a plan for each life, not only on earth but for eternity.
To those who are desperate enough to hinder God’s plan, we
say with Mother Teresa, “Please don’t kill the child. I want
the child. Please give the baby to me.”
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What about Divorce
and Remarriage?
Everyone who divorces his wife and marries
another commits adultery, and he who marries
a woman divorced from her husband commits
adultery.
Luke 16:18
The question of divorce and remarriage is possibly the
toughest issue that faces the Christian church in our time.
It is harder and harder to find couples who take seriously
the words, “What God has joined together, let no one put
asunder” – couples who believe that marriage means
faithfulness between one man and one woman until death
parts them (Matt. 19:6).
A marriage bond may break,
but it can never be dissolved.
The majority of Christians today believe that divorce and
remarriage are morally and biblically permissible. They
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argue that though God hates divorce, he allows it as a
concession to our sinful condition. Because of our hardness
of heart, they explain, marriages can “die” or dissolve. In
other words, God recognizes our frailty and accepts the fact
that in a fallen world the ideal cannot always be realized.
Through God’s forgiveness, one can always start again, even
if in a new marriage.
But what about the bond that is promised between two and
made – whether knowingly or unknowingly – before God?
Does God’s forgiveness ever mean we can deny it? Does he
ever allow unfaithfulness? Just as the unity of the church is
eternal and unchangeable, so true marriage reflects this unity
and is indissoluble. As the early Christians, I believe that as
long as both partners are living, there can be no remarriage
after divorce. What God has joined together in the unity
of the Spirit is joined together until death parts a couple.
Unfaithfulness, whether by one or by both partners, cannot
change this. No Christian has the freedom to marry someone
else as long as his or her spouse is still living. The bond of
unity is at stake.
Jesus is clear that it was because of hard-heartedness
that Moses, under the law, allowed divorce (Matt. 19:8).
However, among his disciples – those born of the Spirit –
hard-heartedness is no longer a valid excuse. Moses said,
“Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of
divorce.” But Jesus said, “Everyone who divorces his wife,
except on the ground of unchastity, makes her an adulteress;
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and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery”
(Matt. 5:31–32). The disciples understood this decisive word
of Jesus clearly: “If this is the situation between a husband
and wife, it is better not to marry” (Matt. 19:10). Moses gave
allowance to divorce out of sheer necessity, but this hardly
changes the fact that from the beginning marriage was meant
to be indissoluble. A marriage cannot be dissolved (even if it is
broken), neither by the husband who abandons his adulterous
wife, nor by the wife who abandons her adulterous husband.
God’s order cannot be abolished that easily or lightly. 37
Paul writes with the same clarity to the Corinthians:
Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: a wife
is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart,
let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And
a husband is not to divorce his wife (1 Cor. 7:10–11).
He also writes, “A woman is bound to her husband as long as
he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone
she wishes, as long as he belongs to the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:39).
And in Romans he says, “and if she marries another man
while her husband is still alive, she is an adulteress” (Rom.
7:3).
Because adultery is a betrayal of the mysterious union
between one man and one woman who become one flesh, it
is one of the worst forms of deceit. Adultery must always be
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squarely confronted by the church, and the adulterer must be
called to repentance and disciplined (1 Cor. 5:1–5).
The answer to a broken bond
is faithfulness and love.
Even if Jesus allows divorce for reasons of fornication or
adultery, it should never be the inevitable result or an excuse
to remarry. Jesus’ love reconciles and forgives. Those who
seek a divorce will always be left with the stain of bitterness
on their conscience. No matter how much emotional pain
an unfaithful partner causes, a wounded spouse must be
willing to forgive. Only when we forgive can we ever hope
to receive the forgiveness of God for ourselves (Matt. 6:14–
15). Faithful love, to our spouse but especially to Christ, is
the only answer to a broken bond.
Kent and Amy, who now minister together in the same
church in Colorado, were once divorced from each other.
Their situation was as desperate as a marriage could get. Yet
because they kept the door open to Christ they found each
other again. Kent shares:
From day one, our marriage had gigantic problems, and we
began a three-year downward spiral into utter confusion. I
thought marriage was just a matter of hanging out with my
wife and doing fun things together. I had no idea what hard
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work it involved. Eventually I became a shell of a person and
even despised life at times. I tried doing all the “spiritual”
things I was supposed to do: reading the Bible, praying, and
talking with others. But it all seemed so futile. Amy and I
came from completely opposite backgrounds and, hard as we
tried, we couldn’t communicate.
The pain grew so great that we decided to separate and to
begin divorce proceedings. This was absolutely against my
church upbringing, but I felt hopelessly trapped and had to get
out. Yet even after we decided to divorce, the pain remained
constant. I became so emotionally drained that there were
mornings when I couldn’t even button my shirt. Unable to
cope, I stepped down from my pastoral position. All during
this time Amy was utterly devastated. I knew she wanted
things to be different, but it was all too overwhelming for me.
Despite our commitments to Christ and to each other, we were
both completely lost.
To deal with my pain, I resorted to work. I knew that I would
get into big time trouble if I allowed myself to become idle or
to become involved in another relationship. So I worked and
worked – and worked. Subconsciously I think both Amy and
I tried to trust God, but daily I swore to myself that I would
never get back together with her. Every time we tried to talk
things out, we ended up fighting. It was hopeless.
I came to a point where I couldn’t even turn to God
anymore. Everything became so pointless, so dead: What did
it all matter? Why was I working so hard anyway? Who was I
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trying to fool? Why try to do God’s will if nothing good ever
came from it?
But late one night, as I left work, the moon and the stars
caught my eye. Something grabbed my heart, and I felt anew
God’s majesty and mercy. In a matter of seconds I was reduced
to tears. In all my pain and despair I began to feel, perhaps
for the first time, both my true need and God’s unconditional
love. Although I had become unfaithful to my promises to
God and to my wife, God assured me that he was still faithful
to me and that he had not given up on me. That night was a
real turning point. By the miracle of God’s grace, something
inside me began to change.
I wish I could say that there were a lot of miraculous events
that brought Amy and me back together again. But there
weren’t. We found each other through a lot of hard work.
There was no instant reunion; it took two years. We had to do
a lot of talking and a lot of forgiving. But as we shared, a lot
of the pain and the emotion that was there before disappeared.
In the end, it was God who rescued us. It was he who helped
us keep the door open to him and to each other – in spite of
ourselves. It was he who spared us the lie that one’s problems
are best solved by getting involved with some other, more
suitable person.
Our marriage still goes through rough patches. Perhaps it
always will. We are still very different from each other. And if
I dwell too much on my weaknesses or Amy’s, it is tempting
to try and find a way out. But God’s faithfulness binds us
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together and preserves our love for each other. And it is this
faithfulness that keeps me focused and committed.
Of course, not every marital struggle ends as happily as Kent
and Amy’s. In my church it has happened several times that
a married partner becomes unfaithful, divorces his or her
spouse, and remarries. Almost every time, the partner left
behind has decided to remain in our church, faithful to his
or her vows of membership and of marriage. Though this is
naturally a painful choice – and doubly so when there are
children involved – it is part of the cost of discipleship. If we
believe in God, he will give us the strength to hold fast.
When I marry a couple, I always ask them the following
question, which was formulated by my grandfather, a
dissident pastor in Nazi Germany.
My brother, will you never follow your wife – and my sister,
will you never follow your husband – in what is wrong? If one
of you should turn away from the way of Jesus and want to
forsake his church, will you always place faith in our Master,
Jesus of Nazareth, and unity in his Holy Spirit above your
marriage, also when confronted by government authorities?
I ask you this in the knowledge that a marriage is built on
sand unless it is built on the rock of faith, faith in Jesus, the
Christ.
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As pertinent today as in its original context, there is deep
wisdom in this question. In a sense, it is simply a reminder
of the choice set before each of us who claim to be disciples:
are we ready to follow Jesus at all costs? Didn’t he himself
warn us, “Whoever comes to me and does not let go of father
and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and
even life itself, cannot be my disciple”? (Luke 14:26)
If a couple takes this warning seriously, it may bring about
separation, but the sanctity of their marriage bond will actually
be protected. The issue here is not only marriage as such, but
the deeper bond of unity between two people united in Christ
and his Holy Spirit (1 Cor. 7:15–16). Whenever a man or
woman remains loyal to his or her partner – no matter how
unfaithful that partner may be – it is a witness to this unity.
The eternal faithfulness of God and his church can always
engender new commitment and hope. I have seen more than
once how the faithfulness of a believing partner can lead an
unbelieving partner back to Jesus, back to the church, and
back to a strong marriage.
Ann and her husband, Howard (whose story I shared in
chapter 16), are an example of this. Even when Howard fell
back into sin, Ann never wavered from her commitment to
Christ and the church. Yet though she refused to go along
with Howard’s deceit, she did not judge him. Instead, she
quietly led him in the struggle for repentance and a fresh
start. Largely as a result of Ann’s steadfastness, both their
marriage and Howard’s faith were restored.
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True faithfulness is not merely
the absence of adultery.
Though God hates divorce, he will also judge every unloving
or dead marriage, and this should be a warning to each of
us. How many of us have been cold-hearted or loveless to
our spouses at one time or another? How many thousands of
couples, rather than loving each other, merely coexist? True
faithfulness is not simply the absence of adultery. It must
be a commitment of heart and soul. Whenever husband and
wife lack commitment to each other, live parallel lives, or
become estranged, separation and divorce lurk around the
corner.
It is the task of every church to fight the spirit of adultery
wherever it raises its head. Here I am not only speaking
of adultery as a physical act; in a sense, anything inside a
marriage that weakens love, unity, and purity, or hinders the
spirit of mutual reverence, is adultery, because it feeds the
spirit of adultery. That is why God speaks of the unfaithfulness
of the people of Israel as adultery (Mal. 2:10–16).
In the Old Testament, the prophets use faithfulness in
marriage as a picture of God’s commitment to Israel, his
chosen people – his bride (Hos. 3:1). In a similar way, the
Apostle Paul compares marriage to the relationship of unity
between Christ, the bridegroom, and his church, the bride.
Only in the spirit of these biblical images can we clearly
consider the question of divorce and remarriage.
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When a church does nothing to nurture the marriages of
its own members, how can it claim innocence when these
marriages fall apart? When it shies away from testifying that
“what God has joined together, no one should put asunder,”
how can it expect its married members to remain committed
for life?
In considering these questions, there are two pitfalls we
must avoid. First, we can never agree to divorce; second,
we must never treat those who suffer its need and pain with
legalism or rigidity. In rejecting divorce, we cannot reject
the divorced person, even if remarried. We must always
remember that though Jesus speaks very sharply against
sin, he never lacks compassion. But because he longs to
bring every sinner to redemption and healing, he requires
repentance for every sin. This is also true for every broken
marriage.
Clearly, we must never judge. At the same time, however,
we must be faithful to Christ above everything else. We must
embrace his whole truth – not just those parts of it that seem
to fit our needs (Matt. 23:23–24). That is why my church
will not marry divorced members (at least as long as a former
spouse is still living) and why we cannot accept divorced and
remarried couples as members, as long as they continue to
live as husband and wife. Remarriage compounds the sin of
divorce and precludes the possibility of reconciliation with
one’s first partner. We stand for lifelong fidelity in marriage.
No other stand is consistent with real love and truthfulness.
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The significance of the marriage commitment needs to be
rediscovered. We are only beginning to confront the harm
that divorce does to our children. For children, let alone for
adults, divorce is something you don’t just “get over.” Recent
studies show that the majority of children whose parents
divorce are worried, underachieving, and self-deprecating.
Even ten years after their parents break up, they still suffer
from such emotional problems as fear and depression, and
display antisocial behavior.
Stepfamilies do not provide the answer. The original
family structure cannot be restored, however hard one tries
to simulate it. In fact, children living with stepparents often
show more insecurity than children in single-parent homes.38
A generation of children is growing up without parents who
act as true role models – and many children simply do not
have real parents at all. As well-intentioned as many of
today’s young people are, where can they find support when
it is time to marry and start a family?
With God, all things are possible.
Naturally, if divorce is to be avoided, the church must offer
its members guidance and practical support long before their
marriages collapse (Heb. 10:24; 12:15). Even if there are
only slight indications that a marriage is at risk, it is best
to be honest and open about it. Once a couple drifts too far
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apart, it may take space as well as time for them to find each
other’s hearts again. In a situation like this, as in one where
a partner has become abusive, temporary separation may
be necessary. Especially when this is the case, the church
must find concrete ways to help both partners –first in
seeking repentance and then in finding the mutual trust and
forgiveness necessary to restore the marriage.
It is sad that in today’s society, faithfulness is so rare that
it has come to be seen as a “heroic” virtue. Shouldn’t it be
taken for granted as the bedrock of our faith? (Gal. 5:22)
As followers of Christ, shouldn’t each of us be willing to
hold firm through thick and thin, until death, to Christ, to his
church, and to our husband or wife? Only with this resolve
can we hope to remain faithful to our marriage vows.
The way of discipleship is a narrow way, but through the
cross anyone who hears the words of Jesus can put them
into practice (Matt. 5:24). If Jesus’ teaching on divorce and
remarriage is hard, it is only because so many in our day no
longer believe in the power of repentance and forgiveness. It
is because we no longer believe that what God joins together
can, by his grace, be held together; and that, as Jesus says,
“With God, all things are possible.”
Nothing should be too hard for us when it is a requirement
of the gospel (Matt. 11:28–30). If we look at Jesus’ teaching
on divorce and remarriage in this faith, we will see that it
is one of great promise, hope, and strength. It is a teaching
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whose righteousness is much greater than that of the moralists
and philosophers. It is the righteousness of the kingdom, and
it is based on the reality of resurrection and new life.
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Therefore Let
Us Keep Watch
The night is nearly over; the day is almost here.
So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put
on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as
in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness,
not in sexual immorality and debauchery,
not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe
yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do
not think about how to gratify the desires of the
sinful nature.
Romans 13:12–14
Despite the shamelessness and promiscuity of our
time, we believe that purity and faithful love are still
possible today. Even if the established churches have
neglected to proclaim the message that sexual happiness is
possible within the commitment of marriage alone, we are
still certain of its truth. There is no question that many people
today have a deep longing for purity and faithfulness. But
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longing is not enough. Only when we are willing to follow
and obey the leading of the Holy Spirit, cost what it may,
can we experience its great blessings in our daily lives. Do
we believe deeply enough in the power of the Spirit? Are we
willing to let God transform our hearts so completely that he
turns our lives upside down? (Rom. 12:2)
The struggle for purity demands daily
resolve.
All of us know temptation, and all of us have given in to
temptation. All of us have failed at one time or another – in
our relationships at work and at home, in our marriages, and
in our personal lives. The sooner we face that, the better. Yet
we can take comfort, even if we struggle with ups and downs,
and even if our moments of victory
are followed by moments
of doubt. Even Jesus was tempted, and he was tempted in
every way we are (Heb. 4:15). With his help we can find the
purity that protects us from every temptation. James says,
“Blessed is the one who stands firm in temptation” (James
1:12). What matters here is the deepest will of our heart – the
will that speaks within us whenever we come before God in
prayer.
As we struggle to be faithful, it is of greatest importance
that our entire will is decided for purity. A divided heart will
never be able to stand (James 1:6–7). But willpower alone
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cannot bring about single-mindedness. If we work ourselves
into an inner frenzy, even if we manage to keep our head
above water, we will soon tire out and sink. Only if we
surrender to Jesus can the power of his grace fill us and give
us new strength and resolve.
In combating the spirit of our age, we must fight not only
against the obvious sins of fornication, deceit, murder, and
so on, but also against apathy and fear. Hardly anyone will
say that he is against faithfulness and love, or opposed to
justice and peace, but how many of us are ready to fight
for these things in word and in deed? The spirit of our time
has dulled us with such a deathly complacency that we are
usually content to look the other way. But if we do not speak
out against the evil of our time through the actions of our
lives, then we are just as guilty as those who sin deliberately.
We must all change, and we must start by confronting the
indifference in our own lives.
Less than half a century ago, most people recognized
premarital sex, divorce, homosexual activity, and the like
as morally wrong. But today these things are regarded as
acceptable lifestyle alternatives. Sadly, many churches
take this stance as well. Now bestiality (sex with animals),
pedophilia (sex with children), and sadomasochism are
gaining support as means of “sexual expression.” Only a few
decades ago, transsexualism – the practice of undergoing a
surgical male-to-female or female-to-male sex change – was
unheard of. Today this godless practice is gathering
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momentum across the western world. The enormous cost of
these surgeries alone is a crime against humanity when one
thinks of the widespread hunger and poverty in the Third
World and in our own American ghettos.
Frightening as all these trends are, parents should not
be afraid to warn their children about the horror of these
perversions. For even though Jesus says that all sin can be
forgiven, my experience in counseling has shown me that
those who engage in such practices can permanently wound
their souls.
What must God think of the shamelessness of our time?
In The Brothers Karamazov, Dostoevsky reminds us that “if
God does not exist, everything is permissible.” Are we not
now seeing “everything?” When will we stop to consider
the horrifying spirit of rebellion behind our sinfulness and
remember God’s warnings about his wrath on sinners in the
end time? Let us remember the words of Paul: “You shall
reap what you sow.” Let us ask God for the mercy of his
judgment before it is too late. Let us ask him to shake our
deadened consciences, to cleanse us, and to bring us new
life.
We desperately need more people like John the Baptist
today. But where are they? Where are the “voices in the
wilderness” crying out for repentance, conversion, faith,
and a new life? John’s message was simple: “Repent, for the
kingdom of God is at hand!” He was not afraid to confront
anyone, including the leaders of his day. He even confronted
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King Herod on his adulterous marriage, saying, “It is not
lawful for you to have her” (Matt. 14:3–4). Perhaps most
significant, though, he called to account the devout and
religious, the “good” people: “You brood of vipers! Who has
warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Therefore bear
fruits of repentance” (Matt. 3:7–8).
In the fight for God’s kingdom,
good deeds are not enough.
In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus says to his disciples, “The
harvest is plentiful but the workers are few” (Matt. 9:37).
How much truer is this today! So many people long for the
freedom of Christ but remain chained to their sins. So few
people dare to stick out their necks. The task is great.
Most of us have good intentions; we earnestly desire to
do good deeds. But that is not enough. We dare not forget
that the fight for God’s kingdom is not just against human
nature: we are dealing with something far more powerful,
with powers and principalities (Eph. 6:12), and with the
destructive, demonic spirit that John calls the “beast from
the abyss” (Rev. 11:7).
This beast holds sway over every country and every
government, and its mark is to be found everywhere in our day:
in the disappearance of lasting friendship and community, in
the oppression of the poor, and in the exploitation of women
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and children. It is to be seen in the wholesale murder of the
unborn and the execution of the imprisoned. Most of all, it
is to be seen in the lonely desperation of so many millions
of people.
We are living in the end time. It is the last hour (1 John
2:18). We must be on the watch continually if we are not to
fall under judgment in the last hour of temptation. We need
to seek the inner strength and courage to speak up for God
and his cause, even if no one seems willing to hear us.
Jesus’ parable of the ten virgins should be a warning and
a challenge to all of us. Jesus is not speaking here about the
lost world on the one hand and the church on the other: all
ten of the women in the story are virgins, and all of them are
preparing to meet him. He is challenging the church:
The kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their
lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were
foolish and five were wise. The foolish ones took their lamps
but did not take any oil with them. The wise, however, took
oil in jars along with their lamps. The bridegroom was a long
time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep.
At midnight the cry rang out, “Here’s the bridegroom!
Come out to meet him!” Then all the virgins woke up and
trimmed their lamps. The foolish ones said to the wise, “Give
us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.”
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Sex, God & Marriage Therefore Let Us Keep Watch
“No,” they replied, “there may not be enough for both us
and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for
yourselves.” But while they were on their way to buy the oil,
the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in
with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut.
Later the others also came. “Sir! Sir!” they said, “Open the
door for us!” But he replied, “I tell you the truth, I don’t even
know you.”
Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or
the hour (Matt. 25:1–13).
Are we willing to demonstrate
that a new way exists?
We cannot merely run from the challenge of sin. Instead, we
must live in active protest against everything that opposes
God. We must openly fight everything that cheapens
or destroys life, everything that leads to separation and
division. But we must also recognize that protest alone,
which often leads to violence, is not sufficient. To simply
renounce the world, reject marriage, or refuse all pleasure
would be fruitless.
We must demonstrate that a new way exists and show the
world a new reality, the reality of God’s righteousness and
holiness, which is opposed to the spirit of this world. We
must show with our lives that men and women can live lives
of purity, peace, unity, and love wherever they dedicate their
energies to working for the common good; and not only by
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Sex, God & Marriage Therefore Let Us Keep Watch
creating spiritual community, but by building up a practical
life of sharing. Above all, we must witness to the power of
love. Each of us can give our lives to others in the service of
love. That is God’s will for humankind (John 13:34–35).
In order to demonstrate God’s will, the church must
first take concrete steps toward forming a genuine sexual
counter-culture. This demands committed effort. Chastity
programs are not enough. Marriages and families will
continue to splinter unless the church forms a life together
on totally different terms. Christian families, along with
their ministers, need to pledge to live their personal and
social lives in contrast to the ways of the world. Unless we
relate to each other on a different plane from the world’s,
we have little to protest or to say. If we are going to be
serious about pursuing purity in this world, then we will need
to hold each other, as brothers and sisters, accountable. This
applies to everyday life: the way we dress and look, what we
allow into our homes, how we and our children relate to the
opposite sex.
The visible witness of such a community will do far
more to convince our society than a million pamphlets on
abstinence. Christian ideals can be explained, but moral
principles are never enough. Only when the world sees
living proof that a Christ-centered sexual life is possible –
one where true freedom goes hand in hand with reverence
and responsibility – will people welcome such values and
norms.
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Sex, God & Marriage Therefore Let Us Keep Watch
However, wherever God’s will is consistently lived out, it
will be misunderstood and seen as provocation (1 Pet. 4:4).
Two thousand years have not made our present world any
more tolerant of Jesus’ message than the world of his time.
Those who are unwilling to accept his way will always be
resentful and even vindictive toward those who witness to
it, and a clash is inevitable (John 15:18–20). But if we who
claim to follow Christ are afraid to live out his commands
because we fear persecution, who will do it? And if it is not
the task of the church to bring the darkness of the world into
the light of Christ, whose is it?
Our hope is in God’s coming kingdom, which is the
wedding feast of the Lamb. Let us wait faithfully for that
day. Every word we say, everything we do, should be
inspired and influenced by our expectation. Every
relationship, every marriage, should be a symbol of it. Jesus,
the bridegroom, expects a bride prepared and waiting for
him. But when he comes, will we be ready? Will we be “a
radiant church, without stain or wrinkle”? (Eph. 5:27) Or
will we be full of excuses? (Luke 14:15–24)
We must never be afraid of the ridicule and slander our
witness will bring on us. What grips us and drives us should
be God’s future – the wonderful future of his kingdom – not
the present “realities” of human society. It is God who holds
the final hour of history in his hands, and each day of our
lives should be a preparation for that hour.
193
Sex, God & Marriage From a Reader
From a Reader
You’ve finished reading Sex, God, and Marriage. Now
what? The answer depends on how seriously you take up
the challenge to be part of a “sexual counter-culture,” one
in which wholesome relationships have a chance to thrive.
This doesn’t have to be theory. And as the following letter
from a reader illustrates, there is no need for anyone to have
to struggle alone. Together, we can spread the message that
a pure life – a life of true freedom and joy – can belong to
each one of us, provided we are willing to work for it.
Dear Mr. Arnold,
While on vacation, I discovered Sex, God, and Marriage
in a bookstore. I had never heard of you or your community
before, but the book’s title caught my attention, and seeing
Mother Teresa’s name on the cover convinced me to buy it.
(She has been an extremely strong influence on my life.) The
next thing I knew, I was reading it nonstop and calling each of
my friends to tell them, “This book will change your life.”
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Sex, God & Marriage From a Reader
I know that books affect people in different ways, depending
on where they happen to be in their life journey. I was born
and brought up in a strong Catholic family, and for my entire
life I have been able to witness my parents’ stable, peaceful,
Christ-centered marriage. They have made life so happy, even
innocent, for us children. From the time we were old enough
to understand, my parents taught us to reject the whole culture
of abortion and birth control and to stick to the truth about
these life issues. They tried their best to teach us to live for
Christ alone.
But by the time I happened across Sex, God, and
Marriage, I had reached a point where I once again needed
some clear-cut, well-defined answers. Your book saved my
life – saved my virginity, saved my interior convictions, saved
my dignity. I decided once and for all that struggling to uphold
chastity was not going to be such a problem for me anymore,
that if I really loved Jesus I would prove it to Him through a
commitment to purity. I know we will always struggle with
sexual desires; I know that temptation absolutely surrounds
those who are striving to become saints. But I just needed to
see these truths much more clearly: I don’t have to get into
sexual predicaments. Things can be stopped before they start.
I’ve always known this, but your book confirmed for me once
and for all that this was the truth.
And so I have been distributing Sex, God, and Marriage
to all my friends. The letters and calls of response have been
tremendous: “My life is different now.” Or, “This has helped
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Sex, God & Marriage From a Reader
my marriage.” Even, “I’m sending a copy straight away to my
Mom and to my in-laws.” One girl showed it to her friend,
who read it from cover to cover and said, “I have to go to
confession.” She hadn’t been for nine years. I have shared
this book with all kinds of friends – Catholics, Baptists,
Episcopalians – and the power it has to bind the Christian
community together is amazing.
As for me, I know now, more strongly than ever, that
everything I do must be for Jesus. Reading Sex, God, and
Marriage showed me that my relationship with my boyfriend
needed to end. It made me sad to leave him, but I think I
showed him a greater act of love by not sticking around than
by leading him, or have him lead me, into a sinful situation.
Your book has also increased my desire to want to read the
Bible. I now have more reverence and awe for the miracle of
life and sex than I ever had before. With deepest appreciation,
I thank you for this gift of rejuvenation you have given to me
and to so many others.
In Christ,
M. B.
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Sex, God & Marriage The Author
The Author
People have come to expect sound advice from Johann
Christoph Arnold, an award-winning author whose recent
books on sexuality, marriage, raising children, facing death,
forgiving, and finding peace have sold over 300,000 copies in
English and have been translated into 19 foreign languages.
In thirty years as a pastor and counselor, Arnold has
advised thousands of families and individuals, including
the terminally ill, prison inmates, and teenagers. A native of
Britain and father of eight grown children, he lives with his
wife Verena in upstate New York, where he serves as senior
minister for the Bruderhof - an international communal
movement dedicated to a life of simplicity, service, and
nonviolence. Arnold has been a guest on hundreds of
talk shows, and a speaker at numerous colleges and high
schools.
An outspoken social critic, Arnold advocates a consistent
reverence for life and has worked together with other
renowned peacemakers for reconciliation and justice in
many of the world’s conflict zones. Recent journeys have
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Sex, God & Marriage The Author
taken him to Northern Ireland, the Middle East, and Central
America - and into schools, hospitals, refugee camps and
prisons.
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Sex, God & Marriage Notes
Notes
1For a summary of current data on the effects of non-marital sex, read Why
Marriage Matters: Reasons to Believe in Marriage in Postmodern Society,
by Glenn T. Stanton (Colorado Springs, CO: Pinon Press, 1997).
2Johann Christoph and Christoph Friedrich Blumhardt, Now is Eternity (Rifton,
NY: Plough, 1976), 13.
3Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation (New York: New Directions,
1972), 180.
4Quoted in Eberhard Arnold, Love and Marriage in the Spirit (Rifton, NY:
Plough, 1965), 102.
5Friedrich E. F. von Gagern, Der Mensch als Bild: Beiträge zur Anthropologie.
2nd ed. (Frankfurt am Main: Verlag Josef Knecht, 1955), 32.
6Quoted in Hans Meier, Solange das Licht Brennt (Norfolk, CT: Hutterian
Brethren, 1990), 17.
7Der Mensch als Bild, 33–34.
8Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Ethics (New York: Macmillan, 1975), 19.
9Der Mensch als Bild, 58.
10Love and Marriage in the Spirit, 152.
11J. Heinrich Arnold, Discipleship (Farmington, PA: Plough, 1994), 42.
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Sex, God & Marriage Notes
12Eberhard Arnold, Inner Land (Rifton, NY: Plough, 1976), 55–56.
13Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship (New York: Macmillan,
1958)
95–96.
14Cf. Peter Riedemann, Confession of Faith (1540), (Rifton, NY: Plough, 1974),
98.
15Discipleship, 160–161.
16Ernst Rolffs, ed., Tertullian, der Vater des abendländischen Christentums:
Ein Kämpfer für und gegen die römische Kirche (Berlin: Hochweg, 1930),
31–32.
17Jean Vanier, Man and Woman He Made Them (New York: Paulist, 1994), 128.
18Friedrich von Gagern, Man and Woman: An Introduction to the Mystery of
Marriage (Cork, Ireland: Mercier, 1957), 26–27.
19I explore this theme in greater depth in my book A Little Child Shall Lead
Them: Hopeful Parenting in a Confused World (Farmington, PA: Plough,
1997).
20Johann Christoph and Christoph Friedrich Blumhardt, Thoughts About Children
(Rifton, NY: Plough, 1980), 29.
21Thoughts About Children, 9.
22Discipleship, 169.
23Discipleship, 177–178.

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